On Wednesday, April 22, 2015 I was scheduled for a routine ultrasound with the perinatologist. I was 24 weeks pregnant. Due to my high risk status I usually had ultrasounds every two weeks and they were done by the doctor at the fetal diagnostic center at the hospital, where the equipment was much better than that in the OB's office. Hubby had a busy work schedule that day and my Mom was happy to take his place. I worked most of the day and left a little early to make my appointment on time. I met my Mom at the hospital. We checked in and waited in the waiting room to be called back. We talked about my upcoming baby showers and my baby registry, oblivious to the Mack truck heading straight towards us.
The ultrasound tech came to get us and took us back. I've had this tech several times and she is super nice and very competent. I laid on the table and she squirted the warm gel on my belly and started with her exam. Baby A - Maximus - was always the difficult one. We joked he was going to be our "problem child". He was always scrunched up, upside down or in some kind of a difficult position for them to get the measurements they needed to get, especially the four chambers of his heart - but he always had a strong heartbeat. "We'll get it next time," they would say. There was no need for concern. Baby B - Grace - was the easy one. They were always able to get her measurements and view her organs to make sure they were developing properly. She too always had a strong heartbeat. The tech did her exam on Grace who was moving around like a dancing monkey in my belly. She was great. As the tech moved her wand around and around over Maximus, I jabbered on and on talking to her about this and that, asking a million questions. Oblivious to the fact she was not responding to me. She mused that Max was in a difficult position again and was going to fetch the doctor to see if she would have better luck. She left the room and came back a few minutes later, only to gather my chart and leave again. My Mom's spidey senses kicked into high gear. She moved in a little closer to me. She asked me if they had ever done that before - leave the room to get the doctor in the middle of an exam. In my head I rolled my eyes - of course she was going to think the worst. I assured her they had done this before. In my mind I reassured myself there was nothing to worry about. The tech came back into the room with the doctor in tow. She greeted us and resumed the exam. She had a puzzled look on her face and she searched and searched for his heart. She said, "I'm not seeing a heart beat." My brain turned a blind eye. She just needed to keep looking. After all, he was the difficult one. She found his heart and magnified it on the screen. Even as I looked at it, stagnant and still, my mind would not entertain the possibility. The doctor said with empathy, "I'm so sorry honey, but this baby is deceased." It was at that moment the Mack truck hit us head on. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. My Mom stroked my hair. We were quiet for what seemed like an eternity. I did not speak. My Mom did not speak. The doctor was talking but I could not hear what she was saying. I was just watching her mouth move. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. They were as dismayed as we were. Contemplating what could have possibly happened. Going over the reports and my last ultrasound. Checking his measurements. They estimated from the measurements that he had been deceased for 2-3 weeks. I had just had an ultrasound in the OB's office a week before and they heard two heartbeats. How could this be? Every thing had been going so great. There was never any indication for concern. I don't think I've ever felt shock like this before. She asked me if I had been sick or had any trauma to my abdomen. I told her I had the stomach flu two weeks before, but she concluded this was not the cause. She said she wanted me to have a series of blood tests done the next day to see if they could narrow down any possible causes; a metabolic issue or possible antibodies in my blood, but told us we may never know what caused this. She indicated that they could do an amniocentesis to try and gather answers, but that it would put Grace at risk and she did not think it was worth it. We agreed. All of a sudden I feared for her. I asked again that they check to see that she was okay, and to confirm for us again that she was a girl. As reality began to slowly sink in I asked what was going to happen now? How was he going to come out? Would I miscarry? Would they go in and get him? My mind could not fathom it. The doctor just placed her hand on mine and said, "Nothing is going to happen. You are going to carry him to term until Grace is ready to be born - He will be stillborn." I felt cold. It was at this time the tears formed in my eyes, "you mean I have to carry a deceased baby in my body, along with a growing baby, for three more months?" Her reply, "Yes." My Mom asked questions, I don't even remember what. I just could not believe it. Then it hit me I was going to have to go home and tell hubby. I was devastated. He would be devastated. I did not want to be the one to break his heart, but it had to come from me, I owed him that. I wished he had been there with me. The pain was overwhelming. The doctor instructed me to get blood work done and to come back in two weeks to see her for another ultrasound. She told me it was important to take sufficient time to grieve and to surround myself with family and friends. She was warm and kind and compassionate. They told us to take as much time as we needed to gather ourselves, that we did not need to leave the room until we were ready. I could not get out of there fast enough. I needed air. Mom did not want me driving home, but I just felt I needed to be alone. She followed me almost all the way home. I think, now, about what that drive must have been like for her. In shock herself and worrying about how her own child was going to handle this. No parent wants to see their child suffer. I texted hubby that I was on my way, and prayed he would not call me to see how it went; we had been there such a long time. As I drove home, I thought about what words I would use to break it to him.
As I drove in the driveway I saw hubby happily playing with the dog on the front lawn. I needed to get in the house before I lost it in front of the neighbors. Emotion overtook me. He knew something was wrong and followed me in. My heart was beating so fast and as soon as he shut the door I just blurted it out, "we lost one of the babies." I sobbed. It was the first time I said it out loud. We just stood there hugging and crying. I told him it was Maximus. Of course he had questions, but I could barely remember what the doctor told us. I relayed what information I could - the thing that kept playing over and over in my head was that his little fully formed body will remain inside of me until she is ready to be born. I can not even begin to express the depth of emotions we felt - and still feel. We sat on the couch and just tried to absorb it all. I don't think my brain is equipped for this. After a while we knew we had to call our family and let them know. We knew everyone would be heartbroken with us.
It just does not make sense. It just isn't fair. I just stopped being paranoid. If this had happened in the first trimester it would have been understandable - we were prepared for that. I woke up every day waiting for the ball to drop. But once we got through the first trimester, with each passing week, and everything going so well we really began to embrace the fact we were having twins. We were in full acceptance of this very unique parenting experience and were prepared to be the parents of not one, but two very special babies. We felt we were chosen for this and were being rewarded - twice the blessings - for all the years we spent praying for, yearning for and trying to conceive a child. Having twins became part of our journey - part of my identity as a mother. I pictured myself with both of them. I wrapped my brain around the day to day duties of caring for two newborns, while working full time. I was scared, but I was ready and I could not wait for them to get here. I thought about what they would look like. If they would have a special language. I thought about their Christmas outfits and Baptism. I had hopes and dreams and more love than I ever thought possible.
Now we are faced with experiencing the death of a child before realizing the happiness and joy of parenting a child born to us. It seems so unnatural for a child to die before his parents; let alone before he takes his first breath. It does not matter to me if he was 24 weeks or 24 years - the grief and devastation are just the same. How do you grieve the loss of one child while simultaneously feeling the joy of the birth of the other? All within minutes of each other. We are so grateful that little Gracie is still growing and thriving; but the joy we feel about her does not in any way eradicate the pain of our loss of him. The loss of our hopes and dreams. The loss we feel for her- her first soul mate.
It's a complicated grief and I struggle with it every day. One day I'm okay, logical and able to cope. The next I'm irritated and petulant - and feel guilty about it. Then I have days that I can't stop the tears from flowing, no matter how hard I try. I literally feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never be replaced.
Our Maximus Edward was a perfect baby boy with ten fingers and ten toes, a sweet little face and a heart that beat strong for six months. This great loss has been a true reminder for us all that the life we live here is complicated and fleeting. God never promised that we would be free from pain or grief, and we may never fully understand what His plan is. We must simply trust that He had a greater purpose for our sweet baby boy. He is in God's loving hands now. Although he will never take a breath in this life, I feel comfort in knowing he will also never feel pain or sorrow. All he will ever know is my warmth and love and the sounds of our voices. We feel very blessed to have had him, if only for a very short time. In our hearts he will always be our baby boy. Now he is is sister's protector as he rests beneath her in my womb and keeps her safe until she is ready to come out; and he will forever be her guardian angel watching over her from above after we welcome her into this world.
Although we are heartbroken and saddened, our hearts are overflowing with the love, support, compassion and prayer we have received from our family and friends. We are working every day to stay in Faith and to remember all we have to be grateful for. We are overjoyed and thankful that little Grace Kathleen, our Gift from God, appears to thriving and strong. It brings us much comfort to know that you are all on this journey with us, every step of the way, as we prepare for and look forward to her birth.
We ask that you continue to pray for us - with us - for strength and comfort, acceptance and peace.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
My Baby Daddy
Happy Birthday to my Baby Daddy!
April 10, 2015 - 45 years young today and more handsome than ever. Which really isn't fair. Why do men get better looking with age? While I, and I suspect most women, struggle with weight gain, hot flashes and facial hair! But, I digress - this topic is a whole other Oprah!
My Baby Daddy has many redeeming qualities. He is joyful, fun-loving, kind, smart, hard working, handsome, and charming. He is a sports aficionado and loves cold beer. He takes pride in taking care of his lawn. He has a sick, irreverent sense of humor and loves to laugh. His favorite teams are the Dodgers, Lakers and Kings. He is laid back and easy going. He loves his family and is just a good guy. Although he has a smile that makes my heart melt, I'll admit it was not love at first sight for us. We were friends, we enjoyed each others' company and we had fun hanging out. It was watching him be a Daddy that made me fall in love. I remember thinking what a lucky girl she was - and still is. I fell in love with her first of course. She was so dainty, beautiful and sweet. He was doting, gentle and calm. He was always there for her. She was his number one priority. I loved that about him. As much as I may have wanted to be -as a woman, as a girlfriend - in that #1 spot, I knew deep down about family, responsibility and priorities. I respected that. I loved that. That was the kind of man I wanted to be the father of my children.
Luckily, that was God's plan for me all along. One of my greatest blessings is to be loved by him. It's been 13 years since we started dating, and on April 19, we will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. In three and a half fleeting months we will welcome two new beautiful priorities into our life. A boy and a girl who will know very soon just how blessed they are to be born to such a wonderful guy. He is already doting on these babies by taking good care of their growing mama and talking to them every day. I can't wait to watch him with them - and to witness the joy that being a father brings to him.
There is no other person on this earth I would rather share this experience with. We have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
Wishing you a very happy birthday Baby Daddy - and many many more to come. Thank you for making my life whole.
I love you more than any words could ever express.
- The Baby Mama
April 10, 2015 - 45 years young today and more handsome than ever. Which really isn't fair. Why do men get better looking with age? While I, and I suspect most women, struggle with weight gain, hot flashes and facial hair! But, I digress - this topic is a whole other Oprah!
My Baby Daddy has many redeeming qualities. He is joyful, fun-loving, kind, smart, hard working, handsome, and charming. He is a sports aficionado and loves cold beer. He takes pride in taking care of his lawn. He has a sick, irreverent sense of humor and loves to laugh. His favorite teams are the Dodgers, Lakers and Kings. He is laid back and easy going. He loves his family and is just a good guy. Although he has a smile that makes my heart melt, I'll admit it was not love at first sight for us. We were friends, we enjoyed each others' company and we had fun hanging out. It was watching him be a Daddy that made me fall in love. I remember thinking what a lucky girl she was - and still is. I fell in love with her first of course. She was so dainty, beautiful and sweet. He was doting, gentle and calm. He was always there for her. She was his number one priority. I loved that about him. As much as I may have wanted to be -as a woman, as a girlfriend - in that #1 spot, I knew deep down about family, responsibility and priorities. I respected that. I loved that. That was the kind of man I wanted to be the father of my children.
Luckily, that was God's plan for me all along. One of my greatest blessings is to be loved by him. It's been 13 years since we started dating, and on April 19, we will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. In three and a half fleeting months we will welcome two new beautiful priorities into our life. A boy and a girl who will know very soon just how blessed they are to be born to such a wonderful guy. He is already doting on these babies by taking good care of their growing mama and talking to them every day. I can't wait to watch him with them - and to witness the joy that being a father brings to him.
There is no other person on this earth I would rather share this experience with. We have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
Wishing you a very happy birthday Baby Daddy - and many many more to come. Thank you for making my life whole.
I love you more than any words could ever express.
- The Baby Mama
Friday, March 27, 2015
If the womb is a rockin, don't come a knockin!
I felt the babies move for the first time last night! I've been waiting and waiting, wondering when it was going to happen.
I had a few doctor appointments yesterday. An ultrasound in the morning, which Sister and Grandma got to sit in on, and a visit to my OB in the afternoon. The babies were moving around like crazy, especially Max. I've been asked several times If I can feel them moving yet - but I had not. I am officially 20 weeks (5 months) pregnant. The doctor told me it would happen soon.
It was 2:00 a.m. The house was dark and silent. Hubby was on the couch, chivalrously allowing me more space in the bed to try and get some real rest. I'm not sleeping well these days. It only lasted for five minutes or so. It's hard to describe in words how it felt. I was expecting it to feel like butterflies or a flutter - but it was more like a wave. Like moving your hand back and forth in the bath tub. They say you'll know when you feel it - and I knew exactly what it was. I had a grin from ear to ear. Even though we've heard the heartbeats and seen them move on ultrasounds - this was a completely different kind of rewarding. It reminded me that there is more to this pregnancy than my swollen feet and hands, headaches, acid reflux and insomnia. I knew they were in there, but now I can actually feel them. It made me feel so close to them. I can't think, at this moment, of anything more magical than the babies in my belly letting me know they are alive and well. I'm sure I'll think differently in a few weeks or months when their jabbing me in the side, hiccuping incessantly or fighting with each other in utero; but for now, I can't wait to feel it again and again and again...
This is one of those times when I really feel and know how wonderful it is to be a woman.
I had a few doctor appointments yesterday. An ultrasound in the morning, which Sister and Grandma got to sit in on, and a visit to my OB in the afternoon. The babies were moving around like crazy, especially Max. I've been asked several times If I can feel them moving yet - but I had not. I am officially 20 weeks (5 months) pregnant. The doctor told me it would happen soon.
It was 2:00 a.m. The house was dark and silent. Hubby was on the couch, chivalrously allowing me more space in the bed to try and get some real rest. I'm not sleeping well these days. It only lasted for five minutes or so. It's hard to describe in words how it felt. I was expecting it to feel like butterflies or a flutter - but it was more like a wave. Like moving your hand back and forth in the bath tub. They say you'll know when you feel it - and I knew exactly what it was. I had a grin from ear to ear. Even though we've heard the heartbeats and seen them move on ultrasounds - this was a completely different kind of rewarding. It reminded me that there is more to this pregnancy than my swollen feet and hands, headaches, acid reflux and insomnia. I knew they were in there, but now I can actually feel them. It made me feel so close to them. I can't think, at this moment, of anything more magical than the babies in my belly letting me know they are alive and well. I'm sure I'll think differently in a few weeks or months when their jabbing me in the side, hiccuping incessantly or fighting with each other in utero; but for now, I can't wait to feel it again and again and again...
This is one of those times when I really feel and know how wonderful it is to be a woman.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Ties and Tutus
I'm 18 weeks pregnant. Amazingly half way through our pregnancy, as twins are considered full term at 37 weeks. Wednesday, March 11, 2015 could not have come soon enough. It was the date of our 2nd trimester anatomy scan. We were finally going to find out the genders of our little bambinos, as well as confirming that all their organs were fully formed and functioning properly at this stage in the game. Our appointment was scheduled for 4:00 p.m. It was yet another very long day at work. I was so anxious.
The week prior, my dear friend asked me what we were going to do for the "reveal". I told her we had nothing planned because our appointment is so late in the day; AND everyone we know was waiting to hear the results. So waiting until the weekend to make the announcement was not going to fly! She said you have to do something, how about a simple reveal party. So Hubby and I discussed it and we planned a small get together for Wednesday night at 6:30, right after our appointment. We decided on ordering pizzas and soda. My friend was going to bring a salad and some cookies. I sent out a text to a special few asking them to join us. Our small get together turned into a gathering for 35 of our closest family and friends. I was feeling a little overwhelmed, but realized this was a great problem to have. What a blessing to have so many wanting to be part of such a memorable day.
As the day finally arrived, I was so worried that the babies would not cooperate and the tech would not be able to get a good view. We did not want to have to wait another month to find out, nor did we want to cancel the party at the last minute. However, as a sign of good things to come, the bambinos were perfectly behaved and the tech was able to tell right away. She continued to measure each baby and check their spine, kidneys, liver, heart, arms and legs. Everything looked great. The babies are each about 5 1/2 inches long (about the size of a sweet potato) and weigh about 8 ounces each. They can hear now, which makes Daddy very happy. He likes to talk to them every day. They are yawning hiccuping, sucking and swallowing - twisting, rolling, punching and kicking too. Although Mommy has not felt the babies move yet, I should be able to start feeling this in the next couple of weeks as the babies continue to grow. My appetite has increased dramatically, but my only real craving is ice cream. I've done pretty good in the weight gain department (shocker), as I've only gained 9 pounds thus far. My feet and hands are starting to swell (this 90 degree heat we've been having in March is not helping). I've had to remove my wedding ring; and I'm not sleeping well at all. But other than that I'm feeling great and so excited.
There were so many cute ideas for the actual reveal on Pinterest, but we decided we would get two boxes - one for Baby A and one for Baby B, and fill them with the appropriate color balloons. We planned on stopping at Party City on our way home from the hospital to pick up the balloons. My brother graciously offered to take on this task so that Hubby and I could be just as surprised as the rest of the guests and we could all find out together. So we had the ultrasound tech place the results in a sealed envelope and we handed that off to my brother. He was the first to know the sex of the babies - and did a great job keeping it to himself as we all waited to find out.
As our family and friends began to arrive the suspense was killing us, but we were able to put that on the back burner for a moment as Reese came home, all the way from school in Santa Barbara, to surprise Daddy and be with us on a very memorable night. We are so glad she did. It would not have been the same without her.
The time finally came for the big reveal. It was so much fun for all of us. I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. I'm so glad we decided to wait and let my brother take care of the balloons - it all worked out perfectly. As we opened the box for Baby A - baby blue balloons came floating out. Our baby boy will be called Maximus Edward Becerra. A strong name, latin for "greatness," befitting a very special little boy who indeed has greatness in his future. Daddy finally gets a boy and Reese does not have to hyphenate her name! :) Hubby joked about the second box being full of blue balloons too - as he knew I really wanted a baby girl. I, of course, would be delighted no matter what, but it would really be a shame if all my french braiding skills went to waste!! It seemed like an eternity before the box for Baby B was opened - but with great joy we saw pink balloons gracefully flow out. Our baby girl will be called Grace Kathleen Becerra. Grace is derived from the latin word "gratia", meaning God's favor. I can' t think of a more aptly named child.
I was so excited, I forgot I was pregnant. I jumped up and down like a school girl. The atmosphere in that backyard that night was electric. Full of joy and excitement. We were all elated that we will be welcoming both a boy and a girl into this world. It could not have worked out any better if we planned it! God has truly blessed us a million times over. We were so grateful that so many of our friends and family took the time out on a school night to share this very special moment. We did miss a special few who were unable to make it, but look forward to the many special memories we will make in the future.
Now the fun begins as we get the house(and ourselves) ready for our new additions and prepare to welcome them into this world.
The week prior, my dear friend asked me what we were going to do for the "reveal". I told her we had nothing planned because our appointment is so late in the day; AND everyone we know was waiting to hear the results. So waiting until the weekend to make the announcement was not going to fly! She said you have to do something, how about a simple reveal party. So Hubby and I discussed it and we planned a small get together for Wednesday night at 6:30, right after our appointment. We decided on ordering pizzas and soda. My friend was going to bring a salad and some cookies. I sent out a text to a special few asking them to join us. Our small get together turned into a gathering for 35 of our closest family and friends. I was feeling a little overwhelmed, but realized this was a great problem to have. What a blessing to have so many wanting to be part of such a memorable day.
As the day finally arrived, I was so worried that the babies would not cooperate and the tech would not be able to get a good view. We did not want to have to wait another month to find out, nor did we want to cancel the party at the last minute. However, as a sign of good things to come, the bambinos were perfectly behaved and the tech was able to tell right away. She continued to measure each baby and check their spine, kidneys, liver, heart, arms and legs. Everything looked great. The babies are each about 5 1/2 inches long (about the size of a sweet potato) and weigh about 8 ounces each. They can hear now, which makes Daddy very happy. He likes to talk to them every day. They are yawning hiccuping, sucking and swallowing - twisting, rolling, punching and kicking too. Although Mommy has not felt the babies move yet, I should be able to start feeling this in the next couple of weeks as the babies continue to grow. My appetite has increased dramatically, but my only real craving is ice cream. I've done pretty good in the weight gain department (shocker), as I've only gained 9 pounds thus far. My feet and hands are starting to swell (this 90 degree heat we've been having in March is not helping). I've had to remove my wedding ring; and I'm not sleeping well at all. But other than that I'm feeling great and so excited.
There were so many cute ideas for the actual reveal on Pinterest, but we decided we would get two boxes - one for Baby A and one for Baby B, and fill them with the appropriate color balloons. We planned on stopping at Party City on our way home from the hospital to pick up the balloons. My brother graciously offered to take on this task so that Hubby and I could be just as surprised as the rest of the guests and we could all find out together. So we had the ultrasound tech place the results in a sealed envelope and we handed that off to my brother. He was the first to know the sex of the babies - and did a great job keeping it to himself as we all waited to find out.
As our family and friends began to arrive the suspense was killing us, but we were able to put that on the back burner for a moment as Reese came home, all the way from school in Santa Barbara, to surprise Daddy and be with us on a very memorable night. We are so glad she did. It would not have been the same without her.
The time finally came for the big reveal. It was so much fun for all of us. I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. I'm so glad we decided to wait and let my brother take care of the balloons - it all worked out perfectly. As we opened the box for Baby A - baby blue balloons came floating out. Our baby boy will be called Maximus Edward Becerra. A strong name, latin for "greatness," befitting a very special little boy who indeed has greatness in his future. Daddy finally gets a boy and Reese does not have to hyphenate her name! :) Hubby joked about the second box being full of blue balloons too - as he knew I really wanted a baby girl. I, of course, would be delighted no matter what, but it would really be a shame if all my french braiding skills went to waste!! It seemed like an eternity before the box for Baby B was opened - but with great joy we saw pink balloons gracefully flow out. Our baby girl will be called Grace Kathleen Becerra. Grace is derived from the latin word "gratia", meaning God's favor. I can' t think of a more aptly named child.
I was so excited, I forgot I was pregnant. I jumped up and down like a school girl. The atmosphere in that backyard that night was electric. Full of joy and excitement. We were all elated that we will be welcoming both a boy and a girl into this world. It could not have worked out any better if we planned it! God has truly blessed us a million times over. We were so grateful that so many of our friends and family took the time out on a school night to share this very special moment. We did miss a special few who were unable to make it, but look forward to the many special memories we will make in the future.
Now the fun begins as we get the house(and ourselves) ready for our new additions and prepare to welcome them into this world.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
To Share or Not to Share...
I've been thinking about this post for a while now. It is about our decision to share our special journey to parenthood and the method in which we conceived. To be honest, not sharing didn't even cross our minds. We've struggled for so so long with infertility - heartbreak month after month, year after year. Once we were introduced to the option of donor egg IVF we were honestly just overjoyed with the possibility of actually getting pregnant. For me, knowing the pure joy of growing life in my womb; and for us as a couple - a family, the chance to experience this absolute miracle together. Our very own miracles. Not sharing this news with the people we loved the most was not even an option. Not to mention the very basic fact that I can't keep a secret and I'm horrible at lying.
After some urging, I decided to start writing about our experience. At first, I was nervous about what I should or should not write about. What is considered taboo to one person is moving and helpful to another. You can't please all the people all the time, which has always been a difficult concept for me personally. But the more I pondered, the more I thought what a great way to share with our children - when the time is right - the miracle of their existence. There can be no denying how wanted they were and how long we waited for them. How many people were involved in getting them here. How much joy their very existence has brought to our entire extended family. God works in mysterious ways. We will never know why it was such a difficult journey getting here or why it took so long for this dream to come to fruition. But what we do know is that God placed his hand on and worked through each and every person involved in this process - through all those of you who prayed endlessly for us, through those who helped us pay for it, through the doctor and her staff and all the specialists whose expertise and compassionate work got us pregnant, and through our family and friends, whose support and encouragement helped us get through a stressful and difficult period of our life. There is no denying this was His will and how do you not share that? I know there are some who might disagree with this decision. Some who may feel we are sharing a story that is not solely our own. That perhaps our children would choose not to divulge this information on their own and we should leave it to them to tell their own story. I did consider this, briefly. But honestly, these babies are special- well, all babies are special - but these babies are our gift from God and there is no shame in wanting to share how they got here. Not to mention the fact that we are very secure in our decision that this was the right choice for our family, there is no reason to keep it a secret. If we had chosen adoption, we would not have kept that a secret, why would this be any different? These babies are already treasured, loved and showered with prayer, and they still have five plus months before they make their debut!
Additionally, now that we have made our pregnancy "Facebook" official and shared the blog, I have had numerous people reach out to me about their own experiences and struggles with infertility. Even from some who have been considering donor egg IVF, but just needed some inspiration, moral support or a better understanding of how the process works. I'm moved and overwhelmed by the positive response and the unending support and prayer we've received; and not just from our immediate circle, but from people we have not seen or heard from in years. This is where social media is amazing. Sharing our story has not only been therapeutic for us, but it's resonating with people and helping them in ways we could not have imagined. I'm sure we'll encounter our fair share of criticism too, I guess that goes with the territory. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but for now, the stories will keep on coming.
We are truly grateful for our abundant blessings and look forward to sharing their entrance into this world with you.
After some urging, I decided to start writing about our experience. At first, I was nervous about what I should or should not write about. What is considered taboo to one person is moving and helpful to another. You can't please all the people all the time, which has always been a difficult concept for me personally. But the more I pondered, the more I thought what a great way to share with our children - when the time is right - the miracle of their existence. There can be no denying how wanted they were and how long we waited for them. How many people were involved in getting them here. How much joy their very existence has brought to our entire extended family. God works in mysterious ways. We will never know why it was such a difficult journey getting here or why it took so long for this dream to come to fruition. But what we do know is that God placed his hand on and worked through each and every person involved in this process - through all those of you who prayed endlessly for us, through those who helped us pay for it, through the doctor and her staff and all the specialists whose expertise and compassionate work got us pregnant, and through our family and friends, whose support and encouragement helped us get through a stressful and difficult period of our life. There is no denying this was His will and how do you not share that? I know there are some who might disagree with this decision. Some who may feel we are sharing a story that is not solely our own. That perhaps our children would choose not to divulge this information on their own and we should leave it to them to tell their own story. I did consider this, briefly. But honestly, these babies are special- well, all babies are special - but these babies are our gift from God and there is no shame in wanting to share how they got here. Not to mention the fact that we are very secure in our decision that this was the right choice for our family, there is no reason to keep it a secret. If we had chosen adoption, we would not have kept that a secret, why would this be any different? These babies are already treasured, loved and showered with prayer, and they still have five plus months before they make their debut!
Additionally, now that we have made our pregnancy "Facebook" official and shared the blog, I have had numerous people reach out to me about their own experiences and struggles with infertility. Even from some who have been considering donor egg IVF, but just needed some inspiration, moral support or a better understanding of how the process works. I'm moved and overwhelmed by the positive response and the unending support and prayer we've received; and not just from our immediate circle, but from people we have not seen or heard from in years. This is where social media is amazing. Sharing our story has not only been therapeutic for us, but it's resonating with people and helping them in ways we could not have imagined. I'm sure we'll encounter our fair share of criticism too, I guess that goes with the territory. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but for now, the stories will keep on coming.
We are truly grateful for our abundant blessings and look forward to sharing their entrance into this world with you.
Friday, February 13, 2015
From Party Girl to Potty Girl.......
Well, ladies and germs, the time has finally come. I've gone from drinking for one to eating for three. I would rather take a nap than belly up to a bar for an icy cold beer and a shot of fireball. My have times changed.
I come from a long line of folks who knew how to have a good time. It didn't matter if we were all gathered for the birth of a baby or the death of a loved one - the celebration was always the same: good cold libations, homemade food and great music. All surrounded by lots of laughter and tears. I'm sure there was a smattering of drama thrown in the mix too, but I don't remember that much - and let's face it, who doesn't like a bit of drama from time to time? I remember good times with my family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors. The more the merrier. The party bug started with my grandparents, trickled down to my parents and then my brothers and I.
When Hubby and I finally crossed paths we realized we were two peas-in-a-pod. We enjoyed each other's company and had many things in common, especially a taste for the finer things in life - like icy cold beers and bar food :) I was easy - err - I was an easy girl to please. We were the perfect match. We looked forward to a good party every weekend and we've thrown more than a few ourselves.
My girlfriends all share my love of a good time too. There was nothing better than meeting up after a long, stressful day at work for "one" drink; and then ending up closing down the bar. What I once thought was the ultimate way to blow off steam.
Needless to say, at 14 plus weeks pregnant, I've traded my bar stool for a potty. My "closing down the bar" days are over and I'm having to learn how to "blow off steam" in other ways. They tell me how important it is that I stay stress free. (ha ha ha, audible laugh). I must have been hungover the day we learned how to manage stress in ways that don't involve booze and cigarettes. But I've turned the page and I'm learning new techniques - they are just not nearly as fun. :)
In fact, I went to "the bar" last night, for the first time in months, for a friend's 40th birthday. I have to admit I was feeling quite smug this morning reading all the posts about how miserable everyone was feeling today. Not drinking has its perks - unlike my amigas, I feel great!
I'm looking forward to my first post-pregnancy frosty mug of ice cold beer, and our first party showing off our newest prides and joy. I look forward to continuing the tradition and filling our home with family and friends, good cold libations, homemade food, good music, laughter and tears. Its what I remember and what I want my kids to know.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying all the perks of pregnancy, trying to eat well and staying healthy. Reveling in the excitement of all the wonderful things to come.
Cheers!
I come from a long line of folks who knew how to have a good time. It didn't matter if we were all gathered for the birth of a baby or the death of a loved one - the celebration was always the same: good cold libations, homemade food and great music. All surrounded by lots of laughter and tears. I'm sure there was a smattering of drama thrown in the mix too, but I don't remember that much - and let's face it, who doesn't like a bit of drama from time to time? I remember good times with my family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors. The more the merrier. The party bug started with my grandparents, trickled down to my parents and then my brothers and I.
When Hubby and I finally crossed paths we realized we were two peas-in-a-pod. We enjoyed each other's company and had many things in common, especially a taste for the finer things in life - like icy cold beers and bar food :) I was easy - err - I was an easy girl to please. We were the perfect match. We looked forward to a good party every weekend and we've thrown more than a few ourselves.
My girlfriends all share my love of a good time too. There was nothing better than meeting up after a long, stressful day at work for "one" drink; and then ending up closing down the bar. What I once thought was the ultimate way to blow off steam.
Needless to say, at 14 plus weeks pregnant, I've traded my bar stool for a potty. My "closing down the bar" days are over and I'm having to learn how to "blow off steam" in other ways. They tell me how important it is that I stay stress free. (ha ha ha, audible laugh). I must have been hungover the day we learned how to manage stress in ways that don't involve booze and cigarettes. But I've turned the page and I'm learning new techniques - they are just not nearly as fun. :)
In fact, I went to "the bar" last night, for the first time in months, for a friend's 40th birthday. I have to admit I was feeling quite smug this morning reading all the posts about how miserable everyone was feeling today. Not drinking has its perks - unlike my amigas, I feel great!
I'm looking forward to my first post-pregnancy frosty mug of ice cold beer, and our first party showing off our newest prides and joy. I look forward to continuing the tradition and filling our home with family and friends, good cold libations, homemade food, good music, laughter and tears. Its what I remember and what I want my kids to know.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying all the perks of pregnancy, trying to eat well and staying healthy. Reveling in the excitement of all the wonderful things to come.
Cheers!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Graduation Day
We graduated from Dr. X today. Graduation Day is typically a happy occasion, but I'm not feeling overjoyed. I'm very sad to be leaving the very competent care of of Dr. X and her staff. I've been seeing these ladies once a week for over a year now. They are kind, honest, have my best interests at heart and above all that, they really really know what they are doing. Every last one of them. We walked into that office on January 6, 2014 with no hope of having a child of our own, and walked out today - 14 weeks pregnant with twins. It's really unbelievable.
The compassionate care we've received has helped us get through one of the most challenging periods of our life. It's a difficult parting of ways. I'm sure my new OB will work out just fine, but I have a special place in my heart for these ladies. A gratefulness I'll never be able to adequately express.
They assured me that I look great, and that babies are doing fantastic. They said we would be in good hands. Gave us a few last bits of advice for the remainder of our pregnancy and presented us with two very special little gifts. A "Graduation Gift" they called it.
Babies' first spoons. Silver spoons at that! ;)
We are proceeding with faith that our new doctors will have the same interest and care to guide us through a healthy pregnancy and the birth of our babies.
It's been amazing to see God's grace working through these wonderful people. To see that miracles do happen to ordinary people. Our lives are forever changed.
May God continue to bless them and the extraordinary work that they do for families every day.
The compassionate care we've received has helped us get through one of the most challenging periods of our life. It's a difficult parting of ways. I'm sure my new OB will work out just fine, but I have a special place in my heart for these ladies. A gratefulness I'll never be able to adequately express.
They assured me that I look great, and that babies are doing fantastic. They said we would be in good hands. Gave us a few last bits of advice for the remainder of our pregnancy and presented us with two very special little gifts. A "Graduation Gift" they called it.
We are proceeding with faith that our new doctors will have the same interest and care to guide us through a healthy pregnancy and the birth of our babies.
It's been amazing to see God's grace working through these wonderful people. To see that miracles do happen to ordinary people. Our lives are forever changed.
May God continue to bless them and the extraordinary work that they do for families every day.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The First Trimester is in the Rear View Mirror!
It's hard to believe we are at 13 weeks already! The first trimester was eventful, to say the least, but we made it through. I've never been this far along before - and it feels really good. I'm feeling better and starting to get some energy back. Our little bambinos are measuring just over 3 inches each and continue to have very strong heartbeats. I still can't believe there are two in there!
They are facing each other with their heads touching. They move around and change positions quite a bit, although I am not able to feel them moving yet.
I had my NT (Nuchal Translucency) Ultrasound yesterday afternoon. This is one of the routine genetic tests they run to rule out Downs Syndrome and some other chromosomal abnormalities, as well as congenital heart problems. They are looking at the measurements of the baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of the neck during the first trimester, causing it to be larger than average. They combine the results of the genetic blood test with the ultrasound and tell you what your risk percentage is for each disorder. In my case, they gave me two sets of results: one set for me, based on my age; and one for the donor, who is in her early 20's. They told me not to be alarmed if my numbers came back positive, as is typical for a woman of my "advanced" age. ;) I thought 40's were supposed to be the new 20's! The results were great. We have a very low risk. I was not worried, but it's nice to be reassured.
Doctor X (my reproductive endocrinologist) has officially weaned me off all the meds - which means no more shots. My derriere is extremely grateful. I'll have a few more blood tests with Doctor X to make sure my hormone levels are good and stable, and then I'll sadly graduate from her care. Once you've made it through your first trimester their job is done. They got us pregnant and got us through the most difficult trimester. Now it's time to pass the baton.
I had my first appointment with my new OB about three weeks ago. They recommended that we overlap the two doctors just so they can communicate about my care and that it gives us a chance to determine if we are comfortable with her. She came highly recommended, but I'm not sure how I feel about her. She was nice enough I suppose, but I know I'm not going to get the attentive, proactive, detailed care that I'm getting from Dr. X and her staff. I have the utmost trust in them and I'm apprehensive to walk away from that. I don't really have a choice in the matter, it is what it is. I'm sure the new OB will be just fine. The jury is still out. Fingers crossed.
We made the decision to deliver at St. Jude and we go for our tour of the maternity ward on Saturday. So many exciting things coming up. We find out the sex of the babies on March 11, 2015. The suspense is killing me!!!
I had my NT (Nuchal Translucency) Ultrasound yesterday afternoon. This is one of the routine genetic tests they run to rule out Downs Syndrome and some other chromosomal abnormalities, as well as congenital heart problems. They are looking at the measurements of the baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of the neck during the first trimester, causing it to be larger than average. They combine the results of the genetic blood test with the ultrasound and tell you what your risk percentage is for each disorder. In my case, they gave me two sets of results: one set for me, based on my age; and one for the donor, who is in her early 20's. They told me not to be alarmed if my numbers came back positive, as is typical for a woman of my "advanced" age. ;) I thought 40's were supposed to be the new 20's! The results were great. We have a very low risk. I was not worried, but it's nice to be reassured.
Doctor X (my reproductive endocrinologist) has officially weaned me off all the meds - which means no more shots. My derriere is extremely grateful. I'll have a few more blood tests with Doctor X to make sure my hormone levels are good and stable, and then I'll sadly graduate from her care. Once you've made it through your first trimester their job is done. They got us pregnant and got us through the most difficult trimester. Now it's time to pass the baton.
I had my first appointment with my new OB about three weeks ago. They recommended that we overlap the two doctors just so they can communicate about my care and that it gives us a chance to determine if we are comfortable with her. She came highly recommended, but I'm not sure how I feel about her. She was nice enough I suppose, but I know I'm not going to get the attentive, proactive, detailed care that I'm getting from Dr. X and her staff. I have the utmost trust in them and I'm apprehensive to walk away from that. I don't really have a choice in the matter, it is what it is. I'm sure the new OB will be just fine. The jury is still out. Fingers crossed.
We made the decision to deliver at St. Jude and we go for our tour of the maternity ward on Saturday. So many exciting things coming up. We find out the sex of the babies on March 11, 2015. The suspense is killing me!!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Wait a minute....TWINS? Holy *&%#
I went back to the doctor following the scare and all was good. The blood clot had resolved itself and my hormone levels were good. I've had weekly appointments since then. It's all good in da hood.
Since that very first ultrasound where the doctor told us she saw two sacs she said there was a about a 30% chance that one would not continue to grow. It's called "vanishing twin". It's not a normal miscarriage, which causes bleeding and loss of tissue. With a vanishing twin there are generally no signs. The disappearing embryo is absorbed back into the mother's body. Ewwww, that is so creepy! It is generally caused, as with most fetal loss, by genetic abnormalities. It is becoming more and more common due to women having ultrasounds earlier in their pregnancy, as in my case, and due to advanced ultrasound resolution. Physicians are catching more and more of these instances. This "vanishing embryo" tendency is one of the reasons many experienced doctors recommend implanting more than one embryo during IVF. And the reason we decided to go with two.
Baby A was progressing much more rapidly than Baby B. In the early stages it was more than four days behind Baby A in growth. The doctor said that every pregnancy is different and progresses at different stages (and this is considered two pregnancies), but would also tell us not to go bragging to the world we were having twins because there was still high probability it would not stick. Silly doctor. Obviously she does not know me, of course I am going to tell people. :) She said we could be sure after 10 weeks.
So all along I've had it in the back of my mind that this was going to be the case and we were ultimately going to have one baby. Perhaps I was just trying to protect myself from more disappointment, or maybe it was the utter fear of having two babies at one time. Either way, even though I went in weekly and Baby B was still hanging in there, it had not fully sunk in that I was having twins.
It was on my visit the day before Christmas break that it finally hit me. Doctor saw and heard two very strong heartbeats. Baby A - 161 bpm. Baby B - 148 bpm. Baby B was catching up, rapidly, and both babies were growing right on track. I went to work as usual and at some point during the day it hit me. Holy *&%#, I'm having twins. How in the hell am I going to do that? Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely see the blessings here, and I am exponentially grateful. But I am human, after all, and the thought of having two babies at one time scared the crap out of me. I mostly just worry about how it's all going to work. So many questions running through my head, in no particular order. How do you breastfeed two babies at one time - that can't be pretty. How am I going to get two babies ready and myself every day before work? What is going to happen to my poor body? What are we going to do if have to go on bed rest for a month or (gasp) more?? Are all four of us plus the dog gonna fit in our bed? (jk - Hubby would never allow it. But then again that's what he said about the dog). I'm guessing all this anxiety is fairly normal. And deep down I know in my heart I can handle it, no matter what happens.
Thankfully, I'm not in this alone. Hubby is extremely excited for this, and has been ever since the day we made the decision to implant two. "We'll figure it out, we'll adjust, we'll make it work. Don't worry," he tells me. I believe him. We will make it work. And these two miracle babies will bring more joy to our family then we could have ever dreamed of.
Keep growing little babies. In a few weeks we can officially tell the world you are coming!!
Since that very first ultrasound where the doctor told us she saw two sacs she said there was a about a 30% chance that one would not continue to grow. It's called "vanishing twin". It's not a normal miscarriage, which causes bleeding and loss of tissue. With a vanishing twin there are generally no signs. The disappearing embryo is absorbed back into the mother's body. Ewwww, that is so creepy! It is generally caused, as with most fetal loss, by genetic abnormalities. It is becoming more and more common due to women having ultrasounds earlier in their pregnancy, as in my case, and due to advanced ultrasound resolution. Physicians are catching more and more of these instances. This "vanishing embryo" tendency is one of the reasons many experienced doctors recommend implanting more than one embryo during IVF. And the reason we decided to go with two.
Baby A was progressing much more rapidly than Baby B. In the early stages it was more than four days behind Baby A in growth. The doctor said that every pregnancy is different and progresses at different stages (and this is considered two pregnancies), but would also tell us not to go bragging to the world we were having twins because there was still high probability it would not stick. Silly doctor. Obviously she does not know me, of course I am going to tell people. :) She said we could be sure after 10 weeks.
So all along I've had it in the back of my mind that this was going to be the case and we were ultimately going to have one baby. Perhaps I was just trying to protect myself from more disappointment, or maybe it was the utter fear of having two babies at one time. Either way, even though I went in weekly and Baby B was still hanging in there, it had not fully sunk in that I was having twins.
It was on my visit the day before Christmas break that it finally hit me. Doctor saw and heard two very strong heartbeats. Baby A - 161 bpm. Baby B - 148 bpm. Baby B was catching up, rapidly, and both babies were growing right on track. I went to work as usual and at some point during the day it hit me. Holy *&%#, I'm having twins. How in the hell am I going to do that? Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely see the blessings here, and I am exponentially grateful. But I am human, after all, and the thought of having two babies at one time scared the crap out of me. I mostly just worry about how it's all going to work. So many questions running through my head, in no particular order. How do you breastfeed two babies at one time - that can't be pretty. How am I going to get two babies ready and myself every day before work? What is going to happen to my poor body? What are we going to do if have to go on bed rest for a month or (gasp) more?? Are all four of us plus the dog gonna fit in our bed? (jk - Hubby would never allow it. But then again that's what he said about the dog). I'm guessing all this anxiety is fairly normal. And deep down I know in my heart I can handle it, no matter what happens.
Thankfully, I'm not in this alone. Hubby is extremely excited for this, and has been ever since the day we made the decision to implant two. "We'll figure it out, we'll adjust, we'll make it work. Don't worry," he tells me. I believe him. We will make it work. And these two miracle babies will bring more joy to our family then we could have ever dreamed of.
Keep growing little babies. In a few weeks we can officially tell the world you are coming!!
Friday, January 9, 2015
The Dreaded Progesterone Shots
Taking hormones is all part of the IVF process. Since I was the recipient of an egg via donor, I was put on oral contraceptives and Lupron to essentially put my ovaries to sleep and temporarily stop the production of estrogen and progesterone. The estrogen and progesterone secretion by the ovaries would interfere with the development of the lining of my uterus, which was essential for the transfer/implantation process.
On the flip side, now I am pregnant. Due to the fact that they shut down my ovaries, my body cannot produce enough estrogen or progesterone to sustain the pregnancy. So supplemental estrogen and progesterone must continue until the placenta produces enough of its own to sustain the pregnancy. I'll have to continue taking these meds until probably the beginning of my second trimester.
I am wearing two estrogen patches daily, switching them out every other day. I take 6 estrogen pills a day (3 in the am and 3 in the pm); and the absolute worst part of this whole deal: the dreaded progesterone shots.
I had been administering the Lupron shots myself (into the belly) and they were not that bad. The medication just needed to go below the skin. The progesterone shots, however, have to be given IM, in the buttocks (as Forrest Gump would say), so hubby had to learn to give them to me. We had an appointment where they gave him precise instruction and showed him the target areas for the injections.
On the flip side, now I am pregnant. Due to the fact that they shut down my ovaries, my body cannot produce enough estrogen or progesterone to sustain the pregnancy. So supplemental estrogen and progesterone must continue until the placenta produces enough of its own to sustain the pregnancy. I'll have to continue taking these meds until probably the beginning of my second trimester.
I am wearing two estrogen patches daily, switching them out every other day. I take 6 estrogen pills a day (3 in the am and 3 in the pm); and the absolute worst part of this whole deal: the dreaded progesterone shots.
I had been administering the Lupron shots myself (into the belly) and they were not that bad. The medication just needed to go below the skin. The progesterone shots, however, have to be given IM, in the buttocks (as Forrest Gump would say), so hubby had to learn to give them to me. We had an appointment where they gave him precise instruction and showed him the target areas for the injections.
Now, those of you that know me are aware I have more than adequate space back there, but it is a relatively small area when you are getting two shots a day - every day. We had no idea how difficult these shots would become. I think about all the women with little booties and wonder how they survived them. The progesterone is in oil form, so it is very thick when it gets too cold and needs to be warmed up. It can be hard to draw up and inject. Hubby gives me a shot every morning before he leaves for work, and again in the evening. We switch sides each time. The shots are very painful when I get them and the pain can last for hours afterwards. There is not one spot left on my backside that is not black and blue or full of knots due to the oil not properly absorbing into the muscle. It hurts to sit. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to roll over in bed. My skin burns and itches. It just plain sucks.
We've been doing this for about 7-8 weeks now. I think we have about 3-4 weeks left. In a week or so they may decrease my dosage and take me down to one shot per day. It all depends on my hormone levels, which they check weekly.
I think this has been the worst part of this process. Poor hubby has to be the one to give them to me. I feel so bad for being a big baby, but sometimes with all the other hormonal issues going on I can't help but burst into tears. I've felt like a child getting a vaccination. Sometimes, no matter how brave you try to be, you can only take so much! Hubby does an amazing job. He is very gentle and calm, and no matter how I react, he finishes the job properly. Guilt ridden, I'm sure. I can't think of anyone else in this world I would rather go through this with than him.
This is all part of the program. The end result (no pun intended) will be well worth the pain.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
A Scare
We were scheduled for our first ultrasound on Monday, December 15, 2014. I would be considered about 5 weeks at this point, and we were super excited. All was going really well. I was not having any major symptoms, other than extreme fatigue, extra trips to the potty and sore boobs.
On Friday, I was off early, at noon, so we decided to make the most of the afternoon and do our last bits of Christmas shopping. I did pretty good, but by the time we got home I was so done. I've never felt this kind of exhaustion before! I needed my rest. We were picking up my brother and nephew the next afternoon for a visit to Disneyland. I could not go on any rides, but we just wanted to walk around and enjoy all the Christmas fun. Which we did. It was great. Super crowded, but there is nothing better than Disneyland during Christmas time. We left as soon as my body told me it was time.
Sunday was a restful day. We did our usual Sunday-Funday stuff and got ready for the week ahead. Went to bed fairly early. I was having some cramping, but I was told this is normal. I was so tired.
I woke up to use the bathroom about 1:30 a.m. When I stood up I just felt wet, like I had pee'd myself. We have a nightlight in the bathroom, so I don't usually turn on the light when I go, but I felt something was not right. I was bleeding. Bad. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. Panic-stricken, I said, "Oh No!" Next thing I knew hubby was in the bathroom with me. I looked up at him and he had this heartbreaking look on his face. The look someone has when they are full of pity for you. He calmly said, "Don't panic, it could be lots of things. Maybe we just lost one." He helped me to get cleaned up and we went back to the bedroom. We were not sure what to do. We kind of just laid there for five minutes or so. Absolute quiet. We decided to page the doctor before we went anywhere. The answering service got her on the phone immediately. She asked me some questions about the severity of the bleeding and how I was feeling. I was having lots of cramping. I compared it to a bad period. She told us under no circumstances did she want us to go to the ER. She felt they would be way too aggressive. She told us to try and relax and to go back to bed. We would see her first thing in the morning. She assured me I had not gotten my period, and told me that there could be lots of reasons for the bleeding, and that she would more than likely put me on bed rest for a whole week. She said, "I know this is very scary, but just try to relax and I'll see you in the morning."
That was the longest night ever. All my worst fears were coming to fruition. Hubby laid with his arm over me, trying to comfort both of us. It was one of those horrible feelings you have when you have absolutely no control over a situation. There was nothing I could do to stop whatever was happening. I was helpless. I hardly slept. I prayed the whole night. At first I begged. I pleaded. Please, God, don't let this be so. Tears streaming down my cheeks. My pillow was wet. I didn't want to move. Musing that we would have to tell everyone, again, that we lost the pregnancy flooded my every thought. As I prayed I began to remember a very meaningful conversation I had with my brother, wherein he told me that God already had a plan for me that was way better than anything I could have imagined for myself. I realized that begging and pleading would change nothing. God already knew my heart's desire. I just had to trust in Him that he would not take all of us through this for no reason. I say all of us, because I was not just sad for myself. I was sad for my dear husband who just wants to see me happy, and for us to have the privilege and joy of raising a child together. For our daughter who spent her first 20 years as an only child, quietly longing for a sibling. I was sad for my parents and siblings, even the nieces and nephews. For every single one of my family and friends who have been a integral part of this whole process, this entire journey with us from the very start.
I then began to pray for God to fill me with his GRACE. I prayed that no matter the outcome I would have the fortitude to continue to trust in His plan for me. That I would not fall apart. That I would find a way to grieve and move on. Gracefully. I finally fell asleep.
First thing Monday morning we went to the doctor's office. We waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for her to come in. For goodness sake, didn't she know we've been waiting all night to see her! Hubby felt it was somewhat of a relief that she did not see urgency in the situation. We could hear her in the hallway talking to other patients or nurses. It was making me more and more anxious. Finally, she came in and started the ultrasound. "You're still pregnant!", she proclaimed joyfully. "Not only are you still pregnant, but I see 2 sacs!" Thank you God, I kept reciting in my head. Hubby was relieved and overjoyed as she explained to us what she was seeing on the ultrasound screen. He just stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. We were all so caught up in the fact that there were two, we forgot to figure out what the bleeding was from. She discovered a blood clot was the reason. Probably formed after implantation. I would have to be on bed rest for a whole week to see if it would dissolve on its own. She warned that I would probably continue to have problems with bleeding throughout my first trimester, and that as each instance presented itself we would evaluate whether I would have to go back on bed rest or not. I panicked a little about work, and it was a week before Christmas, but was so relieved that nothing else really mattered.
Good is good. Have faith. Be grateful.
We left the doctor with our first pictures of our babies.
Baby A:
On Friday, I was off early, at noon, so we decided to make the most of the afternoon and do our last bits of Christmas shopping. I did pretty good, but by the time we got home I was so done. I've never felt this kind of exhaustion before! I needed my rest. We were picking up my brother and nephew the next afternoon for a visit to Disneyland. I could not go on any rides, but we just wanted to walk around and enjoy all the Christmas fun. Which we did. It was great. Super crowded, but there is nothing better than Disneyland during Christmas time. We left as soon as my body told me it was time.
Sunday was a restful day. We did our usual Sunday-Funday stuff and got ready for the week ahead. Went to bed fairly early. I was having some cramping, but I was told this is normal. I was so tired.
I woke up to use the bathroom about 1:30 a.m. When I stood up I just felt wet, like I had pee'd myself. We have a nightlight in the bathroom, so I don't usually turn on the light when I go, but I felt something was not right. I was bleeding. Bad. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. Panic-stricken, I said, "Oh No!" Next thing I knew hubby was in the bathroom with me. I looked up at him and he had this heartbreaking look on his face. The look someone has when they are full of pity for you. He calmly said, "Don't panic, it could be lots of things. Maybe we just lost one." He helped me to get cleaned up and we went back to the bedroom. We were not sure what to do. We kind of just laid there for five minutes or so. Absolute quiet. We decided to page the doctor before we went anywhere. The answering service got her on the phone immediately. She asked me some questions about the severity of the bleeding and how I was feeling. I was having lots of cramping. I compared it to a bad period. She told us under no circumstances did she want us to go to the ER. She felt they would be way too aggressive. She told us to try and relax and to go back to bed. We would see her first thing in the morning. She assured me I had not gotten my period, and told me that there could be lots of reasons for the bleeding, and that she would more than likely put me on bed rest for a whole week. She said, "I know this is very scary, but just try to relax and I'll see you in the morning."
That was the longest night ever. All my worst fears were coming to fruition. Hubby laid with his arm over me, trying to comfort both of us. It was one of those horrible feelings you have when you have absolutely no control over a situation. There was nothing I could do to stop whatever was happening. I was helpless. I hardly slept. I prayed the whole night. At first I begged. I pleaded. Please, God, don't let this be so. Tears streaming down my cheeks. My pillow was wet. I didn't want to move. Musing that we would have to tell everyone, again, that we lost the pregnancy flooded my every thought. As I prayed I began to remember a very meaningful conversation I had with my brother, wherein he told me that God already had a plan for me that was way better than anything I could have imagined for myself. I realized that begging and pleading would change nothing. God already knew my heart's desire. I just had to trust in Him that he would not take all of us through this for no reason. I say all of us, because I was not just sad for myself. I was sad for my dear husband who just wants to see me happy, and for us to have the privilege and joy of raising a child together. For our daughter who spent her first 20 years as an only child, quietly longing for a sibling. I was sad for my parents and siblings, even the nieces and nephews. For every single one of my family and friends who have been a integral part of this whole process, this entire journey with us from the very start.
I then began to pray for God to fill me with his GRACE. I prayed that no matter the outcome I would have the fortitude to continue to trust in His plan for me. That I would not fall apart. That I would find a way to grieve and move on. Gracefully. I finally fell asleep.
First thing Monday morning we went to the doctor's office. We waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for her to come in. For goodness sake, didn't she know we've been waiting all night to see her! Hubby felt it was somewhat of a relief that she did not see urgency in the situation. We could hear her in the hallway talking to other patients or nurses. It was making me more and more anxious. Finally, she came in and started the ultrasound. "You're still pregnant!", she proclaimed joyfully. "Not only are you still pregnant, but I see 2 sacs!" Thank you God, I kept reciting in my head. Hubby was relieved and overjoyed as she explained to us what she was seeing on the ultrasound screen. He just stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. We were all so caught up in the fact that there were two, we forgot to figure out what the bleeding was from. She discovered a blood clot was the reason. Probably formed after implantation. I would have to be on bed rest for a whole week to see if it would dissolve on its own. She warned that I would probably continue to have problems with bleeding throughout my first trimester, and that as each instance presented itself we would evaluate whether I would have to go back on bed rest or not. I panicked a little about work, and it was a week before Christmas, but was so relieved that nothing else really mattered.
Good is good. Have faith. Be grateful.
We left the doctor with our first pictures of our babies.
Baby A:
Baby B:
We go back on Friday for follow up.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Paranoia and The Second Beta
We got our positive pregnancy test. I went from being totally elated to extremely paranoid. I was hating this about myself. Why could I not live in the moment and just be happy? I tried, but the fear overtook me. Fear of losing the pregnancy. It's happened before - it can surely happen again. I don't think my brain could actually comprehend that I was pregnant. It was not sinking in. We've tried for so so long and become accustom to the disappointment. I was so worried that after all we've been through this last year, everything it took and all the help we've received to get us to this point, that my body would not sustain the pregnancy. Every little anything I felt made my heart beat a little faster and my mind go haywire. "This can't be good" - I would hear in my head. I was going to drive myself (and hubby) crazy!! I'm suppose to remain stress free. This was going to be hard. I prayed. I could not wait to go back to the doctor.
I went back on December 9 for more blood work. My hCG levels should double every 48 hours. hCG is "Human Chorionic Gondotropin" or the "pregnancy hormone". It is produced by the placenta at implantation and the levels continue to rise until about 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, at which point they stabilize or drop.
The presence of normal hCG levels indicates you are pregnant. When you take a home pregnancy test it is looking for traces of hCG in your urine. When they do a blood test (or beta) they are looking for the level of hCG in your blood. It's one of the early ways they determine if the pregnancy is progressing. There is a wide range of "normal" levels:
We were scheduled for our first ultra sound on Monday!
I went back on December 9 for more blood work. My hCG levels should double every 48 hours. hCG is "Human Chorionic Gondotropin" or the "pregnancy hormone". It is produced by the placenta at implantation and the levels continue to rise until about 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, at which point they stabilize or drop.
The presence of normal hCG levels indicates you are pregnant. When you take a home pregnancy test it is looking for traces of hCG in your urine. When they do a blood test (or beta) they are looking for the level of hCG in your blood. It's one of the early ways they determine if the pregnancy is progressing. There is a wide range of "normal" levels:
In a positive pregnancy, the hCG levels usually double every 48-72 hours and increases by at least 60% every 2 days. My first "beta" was 675. My second beta was something around 1453, which was great news. The pregnancy was progressing. My only job now (aside from my "real" job of course) is to stay stress free and take good care of myself.
Week from the Last Menstrual Period Amount of HCG in mIU/ml 3 5 -50 4 3 - 426 5 19 - 7,340 6 1,080 - 56,500 7 - 8 7,650 - 229,000 9 - 12 25,700 - 288,000 13 - 16 13,300 - 254,000 17 - 24 4,060 - 165,400 25 - 40 3,640 - 117,000
We were scheduled for our first ultra sound on Monday!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
The Pregnancy Test
Finally, it's test day! It was Sunday, December 7, 2014. We had an appointment at 9:45 a.m. All they had to do was draw my blood and send it to the lab. We should know in a few hours. The anxiety was palpable.
We showed up for our appointment and waited for them to call us back. We heard my name come from down the hallway. Here we go. As the nurse prepped me to draw blood the doctor passed by and asked how I was doing. Regrettably, I was a little short with her, "anxious" is all I could muster. She laughed. We asked her how long before we would get a phone call. She replied that she probably would not get the results back from the lab until after 4:00 p.m.
4:00 p.m.?????? What the what? You mean we have to wait ALL DAY for the results? It was Sunday. On a normal weekday it would have been a few hours, but Sundays are the Lord's Day and the lab was going to take their sweet ass time! She said we may not hear from her until after 6:00 p.m. Our family has been a part of this process every step of the way - nothing was sacred-so we were hoping they would tell us exactly when they were going to call so we could have everyone together when the doctor called with the results. If it was positive it would have been great fun for all of us. If it was negative, we would have moral support. Unfortunately, that idea just flew out the window. It just was not going to work. Ugh.
We are Christmas people. We love everything Christmas - decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, Christmas lights, music. We decided to hit up the mall to fill up our day with some lunch and shopping. The perfect way to keep our minds occupied. We only managed a couple hours before heading home. I went for a pedicure to try and relax a little. I made sure to be home before 4 p.m. I did not want to miss that call. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. All the while fielding calls and texts from anxious family and friends wanting to know.
A little after 6 p.m. the phone rang. Our eyes grew three sizes as we looked at each other. We both sat straight up and prepared ourselves to answer the phone. The first words we heard after we said hello were, "Congratulations!" I am 45 years old. No sweeter words have ever passed through my ears. We both started crying and I told the doctor I was sorry because I had been cussing her all day! Our first beta was 675. Oh my gawd. It worked! We are pregnant. After we hung up with the doctor we just sat there, hugging and crying - in disbelief. It actually worked. We are going to be parents. Who do we call first? So, of course, we called Reese to let her know she was going to be a big sister - at 20. That was a hard call for me. I wish she was not so far away at school - she should have been home with us on such a great day. We missed her more than ever that night. Next was the parents and the siblings. Everyone was waiting with bated breath. My Mom could not wait to hang up with us and starting calling everyone. The phone calls and texts went on all through the night. Everyone we knew was elated. We felt very special and very grateful. God is good. It was our Christmas miracle. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
I had to return to the doctor in 2 days for another test. The HcG levels should double every 48 hours.
I slept like a rock that night.
We showed up for our appointment and waited for them to call us back. We heard my name come from down the hallway. Here we go. As the nurse prepped me to draw blood the doctor passed by and asked how I was doing. Regrettably, I was a little short with her, "anxious" is all I could muster. She laughed. We asked her how long before we would get a phone call. She replied that she probably would not get the results back from the lab until after 4:00 p.m.
4:00 p.m.?????? What the what? You mean we have to wait ALL DAY for the results? It was Sunday. On a normal weekday it would have been a few hours, but Sundays are the Lord's Day and the lab was going to take their sweet ass time! She said we may not hear from her until after 6:00 p.m. Our family has been a part of this process every step of the way - nothing was sacred-so we were hoping they would tell us exactly when they were going to call so we could have everyone together when the doctor called with the results. If it was positive it would have been great fun for all of us. If it was negative, we would have moral support. Unfortunately, that idea just flew out the window. It just was not going to work. Ugh.
We are Christmas people. We love everything Christmas - decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, Christmas lights, music. We decided to hit up the mall to fill up our day with some lunch and shopping. The perfect way to keep our minds occupied. We only managed a couple hours before heading home. I went for a pedicure to try and relax a little. I made sure to be home before 4 p.m. I did not want to miss that call. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. All the while fielding calls and texts from anxious family and friends wanting to know.
A little after 6 p.m. the phone rang. Our eyes grew three sizes as we looked at each other. We both sat straight up and prepared ourselves to answer the phone. The first words we heard after we said hello were, "Congratulations!" I am 45 years old. No sweeter words have ever passed through my ears. We both started crying and I told the doctor I was sorry because I had been cussing her all day! Our first beta was 675. Oh my gawd. It worked! We are pregnant. After we hung up with the doctor we just sat there, hugging and crying - in disbelief. It actually worked. We are going to be parents. Who do we call first? So, of course, we called Reese to let her know she was going to be a big sister - at 20. That was a hard call for me. I wish she was not so far away at school - she should have been home with us on such a great day. We missed her more than ever that night. Next was the parents and the siblings. Everyone was waiting with bated breath. My Mom could not wait to hang up with us and starting calling everyone. The phone calls and texts went on all through the night. Everyone we knew was elated. We felt very special and very grateful. God is good. It was our Christmas miracle. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
I had to return to the doctor in 2 days for another test. The HcG levels should double every 48 hours.
I slept like a rock that night.
Bed Rest and the 2-Week Wait
It was Thanksgiving week, the Tuesday before to be exact. The doctor sent me home from the transfer to strict bed rest. Completely flat on my back for 24 hours, except to eat and potty. I could then sit up but had to be in bed or on the couch for 3 days, only getting up to use the bathroom; and then house arrest for 2 days. Life had been so hectic for the months leading up to this that I honestly could not wait to just get to lay around for a week. It sounded like pure heaven. I was going to make the most of it and enjoy this. Thanksgiving Day would be difficult, because I love to cook the turkey and all the fixings. Not to mention that our usual full house of family and friends had dwindled down to just hubby and me, but it was going to be worth it. Thanksgiving will come around again next year - and we'll hopefully have even more to be grateful for!
After the first 24 hours I was done. Bed rest is a bitch. I have no clue how those women do it that are put on bed rest for months at a time. If I had been sick or on drugs it would not have been so bad, but I was perfectly fine. Awake, alert and bored out of my mind. It had only been one day and I was already starting to go stir crazy. I started to go to the bathroom more often and take the long way back to the couch - making a pit stop in the kitchen to check out what was in the fridge - until I heard hubby yelling at me to lay down. I did get to spend some quality time with family and friends that came to hang out with me while hubby was at work, so that was a nice perk. We had no shortage of people reaching out to help us in any way they could.
Thanksgiving Day rolled around and hubby had ordered a turkey and all the fixings from Marie Calendars. I was sad that we did not get to have the house full of all the smells of the day - the sauteing of onions, celery, parsley and sausage. The smell that just tells you it's Thanksgiving. So he picked up our order and came home and made the stuffing himself! It was delicious and I was grateful. Our daughter came home that afternoon and brightened up the mood with her presence. On Friday we put on Christmas music and I laid around and watched hubby start the Christmas decorating. Saturday and a shower could not get here soon enough!
We made it through the week: me "suffering" through bed rest and hubby "suffering" through my complaining. I was ready to get back to work and occupy my mind with anything other than the pregnancy test. We had one more week to wait. We were advised not to take a home pregnancy test. The results were rarely accurate and would only cause us more anxiety. I had read a lot about this on other blogs, so I heeded the advice and stayed away from them. Sunday was the day we were to have our first beta test. It was going to be another long week.
My emotions were all over the place. I was trying so hard to stay busy and not think about it - but it was impossible. It was all I thought about. I prayed. A lot. Hubby was a saint! Truly. Although he was just as anxious as I was, he managed to hide it well and was a constant comfort to me. I had a lot of tears that week - anxiety got the best of me. We were at Chili's eating lunch on the Saturday before. Hubby received a phone call. Apparently the person on the other end of the phone had asked about me and he responded that I was doing fine and that we were just waiting for the test to find out. That was all it took, I was in tears. I don't even know what I was crying about - and I could not stop. He just chuckled and said, "Baby, you're pregnant."
We'll see......
After the first 24 hours I was done. Bed rest is a bitch. I have no clue how those women do it that are put on bed rest for months at a time. If I had been sick or on drugs it would not have been so bad, but I was perfectly fine. Awake, alert and bored out of my mind. It had only been one day and I was already starting to go stir crazy. I started to go to the bathroom more often and take the long way back to the couch - making a pit stop in the kitchen to check out what was in the fridge - until I heard hubby yelling at me to lay down. I did get to spend some quality time with family and friends that came to hang out with me while hubby was at work, so that was a nice perk. We had no shortage of people reaching out to help us in any way they could.
Thanksgiving Day rolled around and hubby had ordered a turkey and all the fixings from Marie Calendars. I was sad that we did not get to have the house full of all the smells of the day - the sauteing of onions, celery, parsley and sausage. The smell that just tells you it's Thanksgiving. So he picked up our order and came home and made the stuffing himself! It was delicious and I was grateful. Our daughter came home that afternoon and brightened up the mood with her presence. On Friday we put on Christmas music and I laid around and watched hubby start the Christmas decorating. Saturday and a shower could not get here soon enough!
We made it through the week: me "suffering" through bed rest and hubby "suffering" through my complaining. I was ready to get back to work and occupy my mind with anything other than the pregnancy test. We had one more week to wait. We were advised not to take a home pregnancy test. The results were rarely accurate and would only cause us more anxiety. I had read a lot about this on other blogs, so I heeded the advice and stayed away from them. Sunday was the day we were to have our first beta test. It was going to be another long week.
My emotions were all over the place. I was trying so hard to stay busy and not think about it - but it was impossible. It was all I thought about. I prayed. A lot. Hubby was a saint! Truly. Although he was just as anxious as I was, he managed to hide it well and was a constant comfort to me. I had a lot of tears that week - anxiety got the best of me. We were at Chili's eating lunch on the Saturday before. Hubby received a phone call. Apparently the person on the other end of the phone had asked about me and he responded that I was doing fine and that we were just waiting for the test to find out. That was all it took, I was in tears. I don't even know what I was crying about - and I could not stop. He just chuckled and said, "Baby, you're pregnant."
We'll see......
Monday, January 5, 2015
Transfer Day
November 25, 2014. Day 5. Transfer Day. I don't think we slept much the night before. We had been through so much in this past year. The day was finally here. I wanted to take a nice long shower and really do my hair nice - I would not get to shower for five days. I wanted to look nice when I got knocked up! Much to my chagrin, I was given strict instructions not to wear perfume or any perfumed lotion to the transfer. Anyone who knows me knows how disappointing this was for me to hear. I love perfume. I may not always look good, but I always smell good! Embryos don't like smell they told me. Okay, no problem, whatever the embryos say! We did some last minute straightening up and we and left in plenty of time for our hour plus commute to the surgery center. My appointment was scheduled for 9:30 a.m. We did not want to be late.
We were ten minutes away when we got the call that the doctor was running late and they had to bump us back to 11:00. Ugh. We decided to stay calm and roll with the punches. We made a pit stop at the mall to grab a bite to eat and check out the Christmas decorations. For the record, Ruby's really does have the best corned beef hash around!!!
We arrived to the surgery center on time and they called us back right away. The embryologist came in and showed us our embryos. She said they had fertilized all 49 eggs and that as of today we had 33 Grade A - text book - embryos. So they picked the two best embryos to transfer. We were the talk of the town that day in that lab. This was not the norm. Hubby was feeling so proud. After all, how many men can say they fertilized 49 eggs in one day!
Babies' first photo:
Could you love an embryo(s) more? I think not.
Several months back we made the decision, with the doctor, to transfer two embryos, as it increased our chance of success the first time around. The doctor and the embryologist came in to confirm that we still wanted to transfer two embryos. They wanted us to understand that because the quality of the embryos was so great, there was a very good chance we would end up with twins. We agreed to continue with two and they began to prep for the transfer. It's really amazing how fast it all goes. The transfer of the embryos is made through a catheter inserted through your cervix, directly into your uterus. Once the doctor had the catheter in place, the embryologist came into the room with the embryos in a syringe. They are encased between air bubbles. The doctor got the catheter into just the right spot so we could see on the screen and said, "are you ready?" Then, in a flash, literally, they were in there. One floated to the top and the other stayed exactly where she wanted it. They had me lay there for about a half hour and then sent me home to strict bed rest. I had to lay flat on my back on the ride home with my feet up on the dashboard.
We received texts and phone calls all day from supportive family and friends - all of whom have been just as excited as we are on this journey. It was a good, exciting day.
Now we wait........
We were ten minutes away when we got the call that the doctor was running late and they had to bump us back to 11:00. Ugh. We decided to stay calm and roll with the punches. We made a pit stop at the mall to grab a bite to eat and check out the Christmas decorations. For the record, Ruby's really does have the best corned beef hash around!!!
We arrived to the surgery center on time and they called us back right away. The embryologist came in and showed us our embryos. She said they had fertilized all 49 eggs and that as of today we had 33 Grade A - text book - embryos. So they picked the two best embryos to transfer. We were the talk of the town that day in that lab. This was not the norm. Hubby was feeling so proud. After all, how many men can say they fertilized 49 eggs in one day!
Babies' first photo:
Several months back we made the decision, with the doctor, to transfer two embryos, as it increased our chance of success the first time around. The doctor and the embryologist came in to confirm that we still wanted to transfer two embryos. They wanted us to understand that because the quality of the embryos was so great, there was a very good chance we would end up with twins. We agreed to continue with two and they began to prep for the transfer. It's really amazing how fast it all goes. The transfer of the embryos is made through a catheter inserted through your cervix, directly into your uterus. Once the doctor had the catheter in place, the embryologist came into the room with the embryos in a syringe. They are encased between air bubbles. The doctor got the catheter into just the right spot so we could see on the screen and said, "are you ready?" Then, in a flash, literally, they were in there. One floated to the top and the other stayed exactly where she wanted it. They had me lay there for about a half hour and then sent me home to strict bed rest. I had to lay flat on my back on the ride home with my feet up on the dashboard.
We received texts and phone calls all day from supportive family and friends - all of whom have been just as excited as we are on this journey. It was a good, exciting day.
Now we wait........
Retrieval Day
November 20, 2014. Retrieval Day. This was a big day. This will be the date of conception. The donor is scheduled for an outpatient procedure done under anesthesia. Once they "harvest" the eggs from her they take them to the lab to be fertilized with hubby's sperm. Even as I type this it seems so crazy! Now, we've had reports from the doctor that the donor was doing great on her meds and that they were able to see a large amount of follicles. But we won't know until the day of the retrieval how many eggs the follicles actually produced.
A while back when we received the packet of info on the donor from the agency, there was a letter in there stating that some intended parents have given a card or a small token to the donor on the day of her retrieval. When I saw this letter I started to cry. Really, we can do that? I thought it was so special to get to communicate with her on an intimate level without ever even knowing her name. I started looking for just the right thing the very next day.
I mentioned to a couple friends about this and was cautioned by both in different ways not to get too personal with it, or that perhaps the donor does not want it to be so personal. They both told me to just give it a lot of thought. After all, it is a business contract and the donor is being compensated for her time and trouble. Although I wholeheartedly appreciate my friends helping to keep me and my emotions in check, I knew it was something that I wanted to do. I already felt a very special bond with this young woman. I truly felt God brought her into my life to fulfill a life long desire to be a mother. So I bought her a little charm bracelet that had the words HOPE and JOY inscribed. I would just hold on to it and see how we feel as the date gets closer.
So we received our call from the doctor on Tuesday, November 18, 2014. When I answered the call on my way home from work she told me to hold on, she wanted to put me on speaker phone. She was there in her office with the girls (her staff) and they were talking about me and the donor and how perfectly matched we were. They said it was a trip because we are so much alike physically and personality-wise, and that they have never seen a more perfect "anonymous" match. They all had different stories of what they had each noticed about the two of us. They informed me that they were going to "trigger" the donor [which means they give her a dose of ovulating stimulating meds] and would be doing the retrieval on the morning of November 20. They asked us to come in the next morning so the nurse could show Hubby how to administer the dreaded progesterone shots and give him all the information he needed to go on retrieval day and give his "sample". Since we know what the donor looks like, he joked about what he should do if he ran into her in the hallway! I was so excited. I went home that night and got out the gift and the card I had bought months back. What am I going to say in it? How do you even begin to put into words the extreme gratitude one feels. Hubby said, "just start to write, it will all come to you." So, with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I wrote this:
Hubby learned how to administer the progesterone shots - which are the WORST thing ever - and we went home anxious for the next day.
I thought about her all morning. I wondered if she was alone or if someone was going to be there to take good care of her after her procedure. I prayed for God to keep her safe and free from complications.
We got the call late that night that they had retrieved and fertilized 49 eggs.
Five more days to the transfer!
A while back when we received the packet of info on the donor from the agency, there was a letter in there stating that some intended parents have given a card or a small token to the donor on the day of her retrieval. When I saw this letter I started to cry. Really, we can do that? I thought it was so special to get to communicate with her on an intimate level without ever even knowing her name. I started looking for just the right thing the very next day.
I mentioned to a couple friends about this and was cautioned by both in different ways not to get too personal with it, or that perhaps the donor does not want it to be so personal. They both told me to just give it a lot of thought. After all, it is a business contract and the donor is being compensated for her time and trouble. Although I wholeheartedly appreciate my friends helping to keep me and my emotions in check, I knew it was something that I wanted to do. I already felt a very special bond with this young woman. I truly felt God brought her into my life to fulfill a life long desire to be a mother. So I bought her a little charm bracelet that had the words HOPE and JOY inscribed. I would just hold on to it and see how we feel as the date gets closer.
So we received our call from the doctor on Tuesday, November 18, 2014. When I answered the call on my way home from work she told me to hold on, she wanted to put me on speaker phone. She was there in her office with the girls (her staff) and they were talking about me and the donor and how perfectly matched we were. They said it was a trip because we are so much alike physically and personality-wise, and that they have never seen a more perfect "anonymous" match. They all had different stories of what they had each noticed about the two of us. They informed me that they were going to "trigger" the donor [which means they give her a dose of ovulating stimulating meds] and would be doing the retrieval on the morning of November 20. They asked us to come in the next morning so the nurse could show Hubby how to administer the dreaded progesterone shots and give him all the information he needed to go on retrieval day and give his "sample". Since we know what the donor looks like, he joked about what he should do if he ran into her in the hallway! I was so excited. I went home that night and got out the gift and the card I had bought months back. What am I going to say in it? How do you even begin to put into words the extreme gratitude one feels. Hubby said, "just start to write, it will all come to you." So, with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I wrote this:
Dear Donor, there really are no words to describe how very grateful we are for the HOPE and JOY you have helped bring to our family. We've heard nothing but how kind and considerate you are from Dr. X and her staff. We will forever remember your kindness and sacrifice. We wish you true happiness in this life, the kind you have brought to me and my family. May God bless you always. Signed, a loving family.So the next morning we arrived to the doctor's office and sat in an empty waiting room, which was a rarity. The receptionist called me over and handed me a card. She said, quizzically, "it's from your donor." Apparently they had never had a donor leave a card for the intended parents before. It was usually the other way around. In it she wrote:
Dear Intended Parents, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this journey with you both. It has truly been an honor being your donor. I have been told by many people, and especially Dr. X, what incredibly kind people you are - and that makes me feel even more honored to have been chosen by you. While we have never met, I feel we will always have a special bond. I wish you and your family all the best and happiness in this world. Happy Holidays, truly yours, Donor XXX.I was a hot mess!! If I had any semblance of doubt left about the decision we had made, that just blew it all away. It was a true true sign from God above that this is exactly how it was all meant to be. We were both overwhelmed and so grateful.
Hubby learned how to administer the progesterone shots - which are the WORST thing ever - and we went home anxious for the next day.
I thought about her all morning. I wondered if she was alone or if someone was going to be there to take good care of her after her procedure. I prayed for God to keep her safe and free from complications.
We got the call late that night that they had retrieved and fertilized 49 eggs.
Five more days to the transfer!
The Protocol
Ah, the long awaited Protocol. I felt like time slowed down so much once we actually found the "One". This whole process is extremely intricate and it just seemed like it was taking forever! Once all the legal work was done and the donor finished with all her screenings, etc., we just had to wait for the protocol. I was so anxious. Every day that went by that I didn't have it drove me up a wall. I just wanted to get started. The doctor had both the donor and I on birth control pills in order to begin to regulate and sync our cycles. We would both go in for ultrasounds weekly. For the donor she would check her ovaries, for me she would check the lining of my uterus and checking on the cysts on my ovaries making sure they were not going to cause any problems.
We finally got it! Start Date: October 21, 2014.
Protocol
Oct 21: Start Lupron injections at 20 mark once daily
Continue with birth control pills daily
Oct 27: Ultrasound
Take last birth control pill
You will start your period
Nov 3: Ultrasound
Start Estrace (estrogen) 3 pills twice a day
Start Minivelle patches. Wear 2 at all times and change every other day
Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice a day for 1 week only (Both my and hubby)
Start Dexamethasone 1 pill daily at bedtime
Start baby aspirin 1 pill daily
Decrease Lupron to the 10 mark
Nov 11: Ultrasound
Nov 12: Increase Estrace to 3 pills THREE times per day
Stop Lurpon
Continue all other medications
Nov 19: Start Progesterone injections 1 cc IM twice daily
Decrease Estrace to 3 pills twice daily
Continue all other medications
Nov 20: Egg Retrieval
Nov 23: Last Dexamethasone pill
Nov 24: Start Medrol 2 pills twice daily for 4 days only
Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice daily for 4 days only
Nov 25: Embryo transfer
Strict bed rest the day of the transfer and 3 additional days. Two days of house arrest.
Rules: No intercourse, exercise, sushi, hair color, baths, alcohol, tonic water.
Nov 27: Last Medrol and Doxycycline
Dec 5: Pregnancy Test!
Holy Cow! That's a lot. God please don't let me screw this up! I made myself a schedule of what I needed to take each day and when. I put it on the fridge and crossed them off as I took them. I also got myself a couple Sunday-Saturday pill boxes (one for the morning and one for the evening) and put all my pills in there. I could take them all at one time and it made it so much easier. Luckily I was only on the Lupron for 2 weeks this time around and didn't experience as much of the side effects - or maybe I was just so excited I didn't notice them as much. I did begin to get forgetful. Thankfully hubby was always there to ask me if I took my meds and remind me.
We were on our way. In six weeks we would know if we were pregnant and could not have been more excited!
We finally got it! Start Date: October 21, 2014.
Protocol
Oct 21: Start Lupron injections at 20 mark once daily
Continue with birth control pills daily
Oct 27: Ultrasound
Take last birth control pill
You will start your period
Nov 3: Ultrasound
Start Estrace (estrogen) 3 pills twice a day
Start Minivelle patches. Wear 2 at all times and change every other day
Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice a day for 1 week only (Both my and hubby)
Start Dexamethasone 1 pill daily at bedtime
Start baby aspirin 1 pill daily
Decrease Lupron to the 10 mark
Nov 11: Ultrasound
Nov 12: Increase Estrace to 3 pills THREE times per day
Stop Lurpon
Continue all other medications
Nov 19: Start Progesterone injections 1 cc IM twice daily
Decrease Estrace to 3 pills twice daily
Continue all other medications
Nov 20: Egg Retrieval
Nov 23: Last Dexamethasone pill
Nov 24: Start Medrol 2 pills twice daily for 4 days only
Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice daily for 4 days only
Nov 25: Embryo transfer
Strict bed rest the day of the transfer and 3 additional days. Two days of house arrest.
Rules: No intercourse, exercise, sushi, hair color, baths, alcohol, tonic water.
Nov 27: Last Medrol and Doxycycline
Dec 5: Pregnancy Test!
Holy Cow! That's a lot. God please don't let me screw this up! I made myself a schedule of what I needed to take each day and when. I put it on the fridge and crossed them off as I took them. I also got myself a couple Sunday-Saturday pill boxes (one for the morning and one for the evening) and put all my pills in there. I could take them all at one time and it made it so much easier. Luckily I was only on the Lupron for 2 weeks this time around and didn't experience as much of the side effects - or maybe I was just so excited I didn't notice them as much. I did begin to get forgetful. Thankfully hubby was always there to ask me if I took my meds and remind me.
We were on our way. In six weeks we would know if we were pregnant and could not have been more excited!
Friday, January 2, 2015
The ONE
Hawaii was amazing. It was just the break we needed. Now it's time to pull up those websites and start searching again. It didn't take long.
The ONE popped up in my very first search. Wait, I remember this girl. She was rejected, but why? There had been so many over all these months I could not remember anymore. But I did remember her. She was my very first pick, straight out of the gate, but had been rejected by the doctor because she had never donated before. Our doctor only used proven donors. She was tall, beautiful, had a wonderful smile and perfect medical history. I'm sending her back to the doctor for a second look.
We got the call about her the next day. Doctor said she was a perfect match. Since the first time we picked her she had gone through a cycle which resulted in a positive pregnancy. All her numbers were great, her medical history was great. She was perfect. We called the agency and placed a
"hold" on her right away. She has the ability to decline, but luckily for us she didn't and we were off!
It took about a month to get through all the legal stuff, the contracts and agreements. We are legally bound to maintain complete confidentiality. We were not even allowed to sign the agreements with our own names. They were signed "intended Mother" and "intended Father". She signed hers as "Donor XXX". It seemed so weird and impersonal. I get it, completely, but it was still so weird. We met with the attorney a few times to read over the contract and make sure we understood every part of it. I still remember the night we were to sign the papers. I was going to Fedex them to the attorney the next morning. I got home from work and we commenced with our usual routine of making dinner and cleaning up. We probably watched a little Family Feud and whichever of our favorite programs that was on that night (we have many). I left the paperwork out for hubby to sign while I took a shower. After my shower I came to bed and he was sitting there with the paperwork in his lap, waiting for me. I said, "why didn't you sign them?" He said, "I was waiting for you, this is really important. We should do this together." He was right. We signed the papers together and fell asleep holding hands.
During this period of time we received a packet from the agency. In it were photographs of the donor and all the paperwork she had completed when she started with the agency. Many of the photographs we had seen already, but there were some new ones. We got to see photographs of her when she was a baby, a little girl, with her family, as a teenager - all phases of her life. I could tell a lot about her from her photographs. She looked happy and kind. The questionnaire and paperwork she had completed I had never seen before. It was written in her own, very neat and beautiful handwriting - the first of many similarities between the two of us I found. As I read it tears flowed down my cheeks. She was so much like me. I had no idea. She liked to clean and was very organized. She was in the same profession as me. She was very close to her family. She wanted to be a Mommy herself and loved children her whole life. She made the very personal decision to become a donor due to a woman in her life that she loved very much and watched suffer through infertility. She was caring, kind, fun, smart and beautiful. She was the ONE. She held a very special place in my heart. I was so happy, and for the first time in a long time I was excited again about this journey and couldn't wait to get started.
The ONE popped up in my very first search. Wait, I remember this girl. She was rejected, but why? There had been so many over all these months I could not remember anymore. But I did remember her. She was my very first pick, straight out of the gate, but had been rejected by the doctor because she had never donated before. Our doctor only used proven donors. She was tall, beautiful, had a wonderful smile and perfect medical history. I'm sending her back to the doctor for a second look.
We got the call about her the next day. Doctor said she was a perfect match. Since the first time we picked her she had gone through a cycle which resulted in a positive pregnancy. All her numbers were great, her medical history was great. She was perfect. We called the agency and placed a
"hold" on her right away. She has the ability to decline, but luckily for us she didn't and we were off!
It took about a month to get through all the legal stuff, the contracts and agreements. We are legally bound to maintain complete confidentiality. We were not even allowed to sign the agreements with our own names. They were signed "intended Mother" and "intended Father". She signed hers as "Donor XXX". It seemed so weird and impersonal. I get it, completely, but it was still so weird. We met with the attorney a few times to read over the contract and make sure we understood every part of it. I still remember the night we were to sign the papers. I was going to Fedex them to the attorney the next morning. I got home from work and we commenced with our usual routine of making dinner and cleaning up. We probably watched a little Family Feud and whichever of our favorite programs that was on that night (we have many). I left the paperwork out for hubby to sign while I took a shower. After my shower I came to bed and he was sitting there with the paperwork in his lap, waiting for me. I said, "why didn't you sign them?" He said, "I was waiting for you, this is really important. We should do this together." He was right. We signed the papers together and fell asleep holding hands.
During this period of time we received a packet from the agency. In it were photographs of the donor and all the paperwork she had completed when she started with the agency. Many of the photographs we had seen already, but there were some new ones. We got to see photographs of her when she was a baby, a little girl, with her family, as a teenager - all phases of her life. I could tell a lot about her from her photographs. She looked happy and kind. The questionnaire and paperwork she had completed I had never seen before. It was written in her own, very neat and beautiful handwriting - the first of many similarities between the two of us I found. As I read it tears flowed down my cheeks. She was so much like me. I had no idea. She liked to clean and was very organized. She was in the same profession as me. She was very close to her family. She wanted to be a Mommy herself and loved children her whole life. She made the very personal decision to become a donor due to a woman in her life that she loved very much and watched suffer through infertility. She was caring, kind, fun, smart and beautiful. She was the ONE. She held a very special place in my heart. I was so happy, and for the first time in a long time I was excited again about this journey and couldn't wait to get started.
Set Backs and Mock Cycles
Every journey has its set backs, and this journey we are on has proven no different. Not only were we struggling to find our perfect donor, but as it turned out, my ultrasounds were showing things the doctor could not identify. She thought I may have what they call a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus. Which is a septum of fibrous tissue that grows down the middle of your uterus and would make it difficult to sustain a pregnancy. However she would not be able to accurately determine this without exploratory surgery.
On March 20, 2014 I had a laparosocpy and hysteroscopy. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) http://www.webmd.com/women/pcos-directory and Stage 4 Endometriosis http://www.webmd.com/women/endometriosis/endometriosis-topic-overview. The surgery went well and the doctor was able to remove most of the endometriosis and cysts and was confident we would be able to continue to get pregnant. She was always positive and encouraging. She said I've probably suffered from this for many many years. It was very frustrating to me. Any of my previous doctors could have figured this out if they had only asked the right questions or offered the proper tests. I guess it just took finding a doctor who cared enough. I loved that bossy little lady.
We were hoping to have our donor selected and approved and start all the legal work prior to our trip to Hawaii in July; this way we could get started with our cycle soon after we returned. However our search for a donor continued to be disappointing.
Meanwhile, in late April/early May I started my mock cycle, which is an artificial cycle of hormonal stimulation with no transfer at the end. It's purpose is to see how the body reacts to the medications and allows the doctors to make any adjustments necessary prior to the real thing. The main drug taken in this instance is Lupron. It is administered via injection into the belly. Let me tell you, this stuff is no joke. Lupron is used to suppress ovulation. So basically it puts you into false state of menopause. The side effects are awful. I experienced extreme hot flashes at all times during the day and night, moodiness, irritability, headaches. It made it nearly impossible for any kind of intimacy, which made me feel guilty and irritable all over again. It was a struggle to go to work everyday and be pleasant. We passed up many invitations for parties and dinners and other social events due to the fact that I never knew how I was going to feel and I didn't want people to think I was a big ole beatch! It was easier to just hide under my covers. However, it was all part of the process and we were told to expect all of the above. Luckily for me, hubby was extremely supportive and sensitive to my every need and mood. ...We want this so bad we'll do whatever it takes!
As I maneuvered through the ups and downs of my emotions, we continued to search the sites for the perfect match. I was so hung up on finding someone who looked like me. There was no one. It was beginning to sink in that I was going have a baby that looked nothing like me. I began to really grieve the fact that I was not going to have a genetic link to my own child. I mean I would carry the child in my womb, and all my own DNA would flow through my body and the baby as the pregnancy progressed. I understood that. But would it have my smile? Would it have my eyes or nose? Would it be nurturing like me, or have my sense of humor? Probably not. Was it enough that it will look like hubby and have his characteristics. After all, he has proven to make a beautiful baby. We had so much to look forward to and hubby was so excited. Yet, I was still so sad. I began to have big doubts if we were doing the right thing. I laid awake at night with tears streaming down my face, hoping hubby would not notice. I felt so guilty that I was taking the joy out of this process for him.
At one of my routine ultrasound appointments we met with a nurse practitioner we had not seen before. She asked us how we were doing in the selection process and I just broke down in tears. She was so sweet and calm. The best advise she gave me that day was "you are not replacing yourself. Quit worrying about finding someone that looks just like you. You don't even know what your own genes are going to produce. There is no guarantee, even with your own egg, that your child will look anything like you. Stop trying to replace yourself and start looking for someone who meets your very basic requirements."
I felt so relieved after that visit. We still had not found anyone yet, but I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
My mock cycle had ended and we decided to just take a break. And boy did we need one! We were getting ready for our big trip to Hawaii for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary, which we've been planning for a year and a half, and planned to start up looking again when we returned.
p.s. Kauai was amazing. There were 24 of us total, family and friends. It was the trip of a lifetime. It was just the break we needed to regroup, refocus and count our blessings (all 24 of them)!
On March 20, 2014 I had a laparosocpy and hysteroscopy. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) http://www.webmd.com/women/pcos-directory and Stage 4 Endometriosis http://www.webmd.com/women/endometriosis/endometriosis-topic-overview. The surgery went well and the doctor was able to remove most of the endometriosis and cysts and was confident we would be able to continue to get pregnant. She was always positive and encouraging. She said I've probably suffered from this for many many years. It was very frustrating to me. Any of my previous doctors could have figured this out if they had only asked the right questions or offered the proper tests. I guess it just took finding a doctor who cared enough. I loved that bossy little lady.
We were hoping to have our donor selected and approved and start all the legal work prior to our trip to Hawaii in July; this way we could get started with our cycle soon after we returned. However our search for a donor continued to be disappointing.
Meanwhile, in late April/early May I started my mock cycle, which is an artificial cycle of hormonal stimulation with no transfer at the end. It's purpose is to see how the body reacts to the medications and allows the doctors to make any adjustments necessary prior to the real thing. The main drug taken in this instance is Lupron. It is administered via injection into the belly. Let me tell you, this stuff is no joke. Lupron is used to suppress ovulation. So basically it puts you into false state of menopause. The side effects are awful. I experienced extreme hot flashes at all times during the day and night, moodiness, irritability, headaches. It made it nearly impossible for any kind of intimacy, which made me feel guilty and irritable all over again. It was a struggle to go to work everyday and be pleasant. We passed up many invitations for parties and dinners and other social events due to the fact that I never knew how I was going to feel and I didn't want people to think I was a big ole beatch! It was easier to just hide under my covers. However, it was all part of the process and we were told to expect all of the above. Luckily for me, hubby was extremely supportive and sensitive to my every need and mood. ...We want this so bad we'll do whatever it takes!
As I maneuvered through the ups and downs of my emotions, we continued to search the sites for the perfect match. I was so hung up on finding someone who looked like me. There was no one. It was beginning to sink in that I was going have a baby that looked nothing like me. I began to really grieve the fact that I was not going to have a genetic link to my own child. I mean I would carry the child in my womb, and all my own DNA would flow through my body and the baby as the pregnancy progressed. I understood that. But would it have my smile? Would it have my eyes or nose? Would it be nurturing like me, or have my sense of humor? Probably not. Was it enough that it will look like hubby and have his characteristics. After all, he has proven to make a beautiful baby. We had so much to look forward to and hubby was so excited. Yet, I was still so sad. I began to have big doubts if we were doing the right thing. I laid awake at night with tears streaming down my face, hoping hubby would not notice. I felt so guilty that I was taking the joy out of this process for him.
At one of my routine ultrasound appointments we met with a nurse practitioner we had not seen before. She asked us how we were doing in the selection process and I just broke down in tears. She was so sweet and calm. The best advise she gave me that day was "you are not replacing yourself. Quit worrying about finding someone that looks just like you. You don't even know what your own genes are going to produce. There is no guarantee, even with your own egg, that your child will look anything like you. Stop trying to replace yourself and start looking for someone who meets your very basic requirements."
I felt so relieved after that visit. We still had not found anyone yet, but I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
My mock cycle had ended and we decided to just take a break. And boy did we need one! We were getting ready for our big trip to Hawaii for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary, which we've been planning for a year and a half, and planned to start up looking again when we returned.
p.s. Kauai was amazing. There were 24 of us total, family and friends. It was the trip of a lifetime. It was just the break we needed to regroup, refocus and count our blessings (all 24 of them)!
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