From Party Girl to Potty Girl.......

Well, ladies and germs, the time has finally come.  I've gone from drinking for one to eating for three. I would rather take a nap than belly up to a bar for an icy cold beer and a shot of fireball.  My have times changed.

I come from a long line of folks who knew how to have a good time.  It didn't matter if we were all gathered for the birth of a baby or the death of a loved one - the celebration was always the same: good cold libations, homemade food and great music.  All surrounded by lots of laughter and tears. I'm sure there was a smattering of drama thrown in the mix too, but I don't remember that much - and let's face it, who doesn't like a bit of drama from time to time?  I remember good times with my family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors.  The more the merrier.  The party bug started with my grandparents, trickled down to my parents and then my brothers and I.

When Hubby and I finally crossed paths we realized we were two peas-in-a-pod.  We enjoyed each other's company and had many things in common, especially a taste for the finer things in life - like icy cold beers and bar food  :)  I was easy - err - I was an easy girl to please.  We were the perfect match.  We looked forward to a good party every weekend and we've thrown more than a few ourselves.  

My girlfriends all share my love of a good time too.  There was nothing better than meeting up after a long, stressful day at work for "one" drink; and then ending up closing down the bar.  What I once thought was the ultimate way to blow off steam.  
 
Needless to say, at 14 plus weeks pregnant, I've traded my bar stool for a potty.  My "closing down the bar" days are over and I'm having to learn how to "blow off steam" in other ways.  They tell me how important it is that I stay stress free.  (ha ha ha, audible laugh).   I must have been hungover the day we learned how to manage stress in ways that don't involve booze and cigarettes.  But I've turned the page and I'm learning new techniques - they are just not nearly as fun.  :)

In fact, I went to "the bar" last night, for the first time in months, for a friend's 40th birthday.  I have to admit I was feeling quite smug this morning reading all the posts about how miserable everyone was feeling today.  Not drinking has its perks - unlike my amigas, I feel great!

I'm looking forward to my first post-pregnancy frosty mug of ice cold beer, and our first party showing off our newest prides and joy.  I look forward to continuing the tradition and filling our home with family and friends, good cold libations, homemade food, good music, laughter and tears. Its what I remember and what I want my kids to know.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying all the perks of pregnancy, trying to eat well and staying healthy. Reveling in the excitement of all the wonderful things to come.  

Cheers!  

Graduation Day

We graduated from Dr. X today.  Graduation Day is typically a happy occasion, but I'm not feeling overjoyed.  I'm very sad to be leaving the very competent care of of Dr. X and her staff.  I've been seeing these ladies once a week for over a year now.  They are kind, honest, have my best interests at heart and above all that, they really really know what they are doing.  Every last one of them.  We walked into that office on January 6, 2014 with no hope of having a child of our own, and walked out today - 14 weeks pregnant with twins.  It's really unbelievable.

The compassionate care we've received has helped us get through one of the most challenging periods of our life.  It's a difficult parting of ways.  I'm sure my new OB will work out just fine, but I have a special place in my heart for these ladies.  A gratefulness I'll never be able to adequately express.  

They assured me that I look great, and that babies are doing fantastic.  They said we would be in good hands.  Gave us a few last bits of advice for the remainder of our pregnancy and presented us with two very special little gifts.  A "Graduation Gift" they called it.

Babies' first spoons.  Silver spoons at that!  ;)    

We are proceeding with faith that our new doctors will have the same interest and care to guide us through a healthy pregnancy and the birth of our babies.

It's been amazing to see God's grace working through these wonderful people.  To see that miracles do happen to ordinary people.  Our lives are forever changed.

May God continue to bless them and the extraordinary work that they do for families every day.

The First Trimester is in the Rear View Mirror!

It's hard to believe we are at 13 weeks already!  The first trimester was eventful, to say the least, but we made it through.  I've never been this far along before - and it feels really good. I'm feeling better and starting to get some energy back.  Our little bambinos are measuring just over 3 inches each and continue to have very strong heartbeats.  I still can't believe there are two in there!  

They are facing each other with their heads touching.  They move around and change positions quite a bit, although I am not able to feel them moving yet.  

I had my NT (Nuchal Translucency) Ultrasound yesterday afternoon.  This is one of the routine genetic tests they run to rule out Downs Syndrome and some other chromosomal abnormalities, as well as congenital heart problems.  They are looking at the measurements of the baby's neck.  Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of the neck during the first trimester, causing it to be larger than average. They combine the results of the genetic blood test with the ultrasound and tell you what your risk percentage is for each disorder.  In my case, they gave me two sets of results: one set for me, based on my age; and one for the donor, who is in her early 20's.  They told me not to be alarmed if my numbers came back positive, as is typical for a woman of my "advanced" age.  ;)  I thought 40's were supposed to be the new 20's!   The results were great.  We have a very low risk.  I was not worried, but it's nice to be reassured. 

Doctor X (my reproductive endocrinologist) has officially weaned me off all the meds - which means no more shots.  My derriere is extremely grateful.  I'll have a few more blood tests with Doctor X to make sure my hormone levels are good and stable, and then I'll sadly graduate from her care.  Once you've made it through your first trimester their job is done.  They got us pregnant and got us through the most difficult trimester.  Now it's time to pass the baton.

I had my first appointment with my new OB about three weeks ago. They recommended that we overlap the two doctors just so they can communicate about my care and that it gives us a chance to determine if we are comfortable with her.  She came highly recommended, but I'm not sure how I feel about her.  She was nice enough I suppose, but I know I'm not going to get the attentive, proactive, detailed care that I'm getting from Dr. X and her staff.  I have the utmost trust in them and I'm apprehensive to walk away from that.  I don't really have a choice in the matter, it is what it is.  I'm sure the new OB will be just fine.  The jury is still out.  Fingers crossed.

We made the decision to deliver at St. Jude and we go for our tour of the maternity ward on Saturday.   So many exciting things coming up.  We find out the sex of the babies on March 11, 2015.  The suspense is killing me!!!   

Wait a minute....TWINS? Holy *&%#

I went back to the doctor following the scare and all was good.  The blood clot had resolved itself and my hormone levels were good.  I've had weekly appointments since then.  It's all good in da hood.

Since that very first ultrasound where the doctor told us she saw two sacs she said there was a about a 30% chance that one would not continue to grow.  It's called "vanishing twin".  It's not a normal miscarriage, which causes bleeding and loss of tissue.  With a vanishing twin there are generally no signs.  The disappearing embryo is absorbed back into the mother's body.  Ewwww, that is so creepy!  It is generally caused, as with most fetal loss, by genetic abnormalities.  It is becoming more and more common due to women having ultrasounds earlier in their pregnancy, as in my case, and due to advanced ultrasound resolution.  Physicians are catching more and more of these instances.  This "vanishing embryo" tendency is one of the reasons many experienced doctors recommend implanting more than one embryo during IVF.  And the reason we decided to go with two.

Baby A was progressing much more rapidly than Baby B.  In the early stages it was more than four days behind Baby A in growth.  The doctor said that every pregnancy is different and progresses at different stages (and this is considered two pregnancies), but would also tell us not to go bragging to the world we were having twins because there was still high probability it would not stick.  Silly doctor.  Obviously she does not know me, of course I am going to tell people. :)  She said we could be sure after 10 weeks.

So all along I've had it in the back of my mind that this was going to be the case and we were ultimately going to have one baby.  Perhaps I was just trying to protect myself from more disappointment, or maybe it was the utter fear of having two babies at one time.  Either way, even though I went in weekly and Baby B was still hanging in there, it had not fully sunk in that I was having twins.

It was on my visit the day before Christmas break that it finally hit me.  Doctor saw and heard two very strong heartbeats.  Baby A - 161 bpm.  Baby B - 148 bpm.  Baby B was catching up, rapidly, and both babies were growing right on track.  I went to work as usual and at some point during the day it hit me.  Holy *&%#, I'm having twins.  How in the hell am I going to do that?  Now, don't get me wrong.  I absolutely see the blessings here, and I am exponentially grateful.  But I am human, after all, and the thought of having two babies at one time scared the crap out of me.  I mostly just worry about how it's all going to work.  So many questions running through my head, in no particular order. How do you breastfeed two babies at one time - that can't be pretty.  How am I going to get two babies ready and myself every day before work?  What is going to happen to my poor body?  What are we going to do if have to go on bed rest for a month or (gasp) more??  Are all four of us plus the dog gonna fit in our bed? (jk - Hubby would never allow it.  But then again that's what he said about the dog).   I'm guessing all this anxiety is fairly normal.  And deep down I know in my heart I can handle it, no matter what happens.

Thankfully, I'm not in this alone.  Hubby is extremely excited for this, and has been ever since the day we made the decision to implant two.  "We'll figure it out, we'll adjust, we'll make it work.  Don't worry," he tells me.  I believe him.  We will make it work.  And these two miracle babies will bring more joy to our family then we could have ever dreamed of.  

Keep growing little babies.  In a few weeks we can officially tell the world you are coming!!

    

The Dreaded Progesterone Shots

Taking hormones is all part of the IVF process.  Since I was the recipient of an egg  via donor, I was put on oral contraceptives and Lupron to essentially put my ovaries to sleep and temporarily stop the production of estrogen and progesterone.  The estrogen and progesterone secretion by the ovaries would interfere with the development of the lining of my uterus, which was essential for the transfer/implantation process.

On the flip side, now I am pregnant.  Due to the fact that they shut down my ovaries, my body cannot produce enough estrogen or progesterone to sustain the pregnancy.  So supplemental estrogen and progesterone must continue until the placenta produces enough of its own to sustain the pregnancy.  I'll have to continue taking these meds until probably the beginning of my second trimester.

I am wearing two estrogen patches daily, switching them out every other day.  I take 6 estrogen pills a day (3 in the am and 3 in the pm); and the absolute worst part of this whole deal:  the dreaded progesterone shots.

I had been administering the Lupron shots myself (into the belly) and they were not that bad.  The medication just needed to go below the skin.  The progesterone shots, however, have to be given IM, in the buttocks (as Forrest Gump would say), so hubby had to learn to give them to me.  We had an appointment where they gave him precise instruction and showed him the target areas for the injections.

Now, those of you that know me are aware I have more than adequate space back there, but it is a relatively small area when you are getting two shots a day - every day.  We had no idea how difficult these shots would become.  I think about all the women with little booties and wonder how they survived them. The progesterone is in oil form, so it is very thick when it gets too cold and needs to be warmed up. It can be hard to draw up and inject.  Hubby gives me a shot every morning before he leaves for work, and again in the evening. We switch sides each time. The shots are very painful when I get them and the pain can last for hours afterwards.  There is not one spot left on my backside that is not black and blue or full of knots due to the oil not properly absorbing into the muscle.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to lay down.  It hurts to roll over in bed.  My skin burns and itches.  It just plain sucks.  

We've been doing this for about 7-8 weeks now. I think we have about 3-4 weeks left.  In a week or so they may decrease my dosage and take me down to one shot per day.  It all depends on my hormone levels, which they check weekly. 

I think this has been the worst part of this process.  Poor hubby has to be the one to give them to me.  I feel so bad for being a big baby, but sometimes with all the other hormonal issues going on I can't help but burst into tears.   I've felt like a child getting a vaccination.  Sometimes, no matter how brave you try to be, you can only take so much!  Hubby does an amazing job.  He is very gentle and calm, and no matter how I react, he finishes the job properly.  Guilt ridden, I'm sure.   I can't think of anyone else in this world I would rather go through this with than him.   

This is all part of the program.  The end result (no pun intended) will be well worth the pain.  

A Scare

We were scheduled for our first ultrasound on Monday, December 15, 2014.   I would be considered about 5 weeks at this point, and we were super excited.  All was going really well.  I was not having any major symptoms, other than extreme fatigue, extra trips to the potty and sore boobs.

On Friday, I was off early, at noon, so we decided to make the most of the afternoon and do our last bits of Christmas shopping.  I did pretty good, but by the time we got home I was so done.  I've never felt this kind of exhaustion before!  I needed my rest.  We were picking up my brother and nephew the next afternoon for a visit to Disneyland.  I could not go on any rides, but we just wanted to walk around and enjoy all the Christmas fun.  Which we did.  It was great.  Super crowded, but there is nothing better than Disneyland during Christmas time.  We left as soon as my body told me it was time.

Sunday was a restful day. We did our usual Sunday-Funday stuff and got ready for the week ahead.   Went to bed fairly early. I was having some cramping, but I was told this is normal.  I was so tired.

I woke up to use the bathroom about 1:30 a.m.  When I stood up I just felt wet, like I had pee'd myself.  We have a nightlight in the bathroom, so I don't usually turn on the light when I go, but I felt something was not right.  I was bleeding.  Bad.  My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach.  Panic-stricken, I said, "Oh No!"  Next thing I knew hubby was in the bathroom with me.  I looked up at him and he had this heartbreaking look on his face.  The look someone has when they are full of pity for you.  He calmly said, "Don't panic, it could be lots of things.  Maybe we just lost one."  He helped me to get cleaned up and we went back to the bedroom.  We were not sure what to do.  We kind of just laid there for five minutes or so.  Absolute quiet.  We decided to page the doctor before we went anywhere.  The answering service got her on the phone immediately.  She asked me some questions about the severity of the bleeding and how I was feeling.  I was having lots of cramping.  I compared it to a bad period.  She told us under no circumstances did she want us to go to the ER.  She felt they would be way too aggressive.  She told us to try and relax and to go back to bed.  We would see her first thing in the morning.  She assured me I had not gotten my period, and told me that there could be lots of reasons for the bleeding, and that she would more than likely put me on bed rest for a whole week.  She said, "I know this is very scary, but just try to relax and I'll see you in the morning."

That was the longest night ever.  All my worst fears were coming to fruition.  Hubby laid with his arm over me, trying to comfort both of us.  It was one of those horrible feelings you have when you have absolutely no control over a situation.  There was nothing I could do to stop whatever was happening. I was helpless.  I hardly slept.  I prayed the whole night.  At first I begged.  I pleaded. Please, God, don't let this be so.  Tears streaming down my cheeks.  My pillow was wet.  I didn't want to move.  Musing that we would have to tell everyone, again, that we lost the pregnancy flooded my every thought.  As I prayed I began to remember a very meaningful conversation I had with my brother, wherein he told me that God already had a plan for me that was way better than anything I could have imagined for myself.  I realized that begging and pleading would change nothing.  God already knew my heart's desire.  I just had to trust in Him that he would not take all of us through this for no reason.  I say all of us, because I was not just sad for myself.  I was sad for my dear husband who just wants to see me happy, and for us to have the privilege and joy of raising a child together.  For our daughter who spent her first 20 years as an only child, quietly longing for a sibling.  I was sad for my parents and siblings, even the nieces and nephews. For every single one of my family and friends who have been a integral part of this whole process, this entire journey with us from the very start.  

I then began to pray for God to fill me with his GRACE.  I prayed that no matter the outcome I would have the fortitude to continue to trust in His plan for me.  That I would not fall apart.  That I would find a way to grieve and move on.  Gracefully.  I finally fell asleep.

First thing Monday morning we went to the doctor's office.  We waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for her to come in.  For goodness sake, didn't she know we've been waiting all night to see her!  Hubby felt it was somewhat of a relief that she did not see urgency in the situation.  We could hear her in the hallway talking to other patients or nurses.  It was making me more and more anxious.  Finally, she came in and started the ultrasound.  "You're still pregnant!", she proclaimed joyfully.  "Not only are you still pregnant, but I see 2 sacs!"   Thank you God, I kept reciting in my head.  Hubby was relieved and overjoyed as she explained to us what she was seeing on the ultrasound screen.  He just stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.  We were all so caught up in the fact that there were two, we forgot to figure out what the bleeding was from.  She discovered a blood clot was the reason.  Probably formed after implantation.  I would have to be on bed rest for a whole week to see if it would dissolve on its own.  She warned that I would probably continue to have problems with bleeding throughout my first trimester, and that as each instance presented itself we would evaluate whether I would have to go back on bed rest or not.  I panicked a little about work, and it was a week before Christmas, but was so relieved that nothing else really mattered.  

Good is good.  Have faith.  Be grateful.

We left the doctor with our first pictures of our babies.

Baby A:

Baby B:  

We go back on Friday for follow up.

Paranoia and The Second Beta

We got our positive pregnancy test.  I went from being totally elated to extremely paranoid.  I was hating this about myself.  Why could I not live in the moment and just be happy?  I tried, but the fear overtook me.  Fear of losing the pregnancy.  It's happened before - it can surely happen again.  I don't think my brain could actually comprehend that I was pregnant.  It was not sinking in.  We've tried for so so long and become accustom to the disappointment.  I was so worried that after all we've been through this last year, everything it took and all the help we've received to get us to this point, that my body would not sustain the pregnancy.  Every little anything I felt made my heart beat a little faster and my mind go haywire.  "This can't be good" - I would hear in my head.  I was going to drive myself (and hubby) crazy!!  I'm suppose to remain stress free.  This was going to be hard.  I prayed.  I could not wait to go back to the doctor.  

I went back on December 9 for more blood work.  My hCG levels should double every 48 hours. hCG is "Human Chorionic Gondotropin" or the "pregnancy hormone".  It is produced by the placenta at implantation and the levels continue to rise until about 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, at which point they stabilize or drop.

The presence of normal hCG levels indicates you are pregnant.  When you take a home pregnancy test it is looking for traces of hCG in your urine.  When they do a blood test (or beta) they are looking for the level of hCG in your blood.  It's one of the early ways they determine if the pregnancy is progressing.  There is a wide range of "normal" levels:

Week from the Last Menstrual Period	Amount of HCG in mIU/ml
3	5 -50
4	3 - 426
5	19 - 7,340
6	1,080 - 56,500
7 - 8	7,650 - 229,000
9 - 12	25,700 - 288,000
13 - 16	13,300 - 254,000
17 - 24	4,060 - 165,400
25 - 40	3,640 - 117,000

In a positive pregnancy, the hCG levels usually double every 48-72 hours and increases by at least 60% every 2 days.  My first "beta" was 675.  My second beta was something around 1453, which was great news.  The pregnancy was  progressing.   My only job now (aside from my "real" job of course) is to stay stress free and take good care of myself.

We were scheduled for our first ultra sound on Monday!