The Day It All Changed

On January 6, 2014, Hubby and I left work early to meet with this miracle woman we were referred to, who is a reproductive endocrinologist.  I remember our visit clearly.  She was warm, friendly and a little bossy.  I informed her I had been struggling with hypothyroidism and that the doctors could not seem to get my levels straight.  She said, "you won't ever see those doctors again, from now on I'm in charge of your thyroid."  I knew I liked her then and there.  This lady knew her stuff.  She was gonna take that bull by the horns and handle it!  I loved her.

Before our consult, we really had no hope left, but for some reason never took the first steps to initiate the adoption process.  We have neighbors who have two adopted children and are heavily involved in their adoption organization. They are wonderful people with a wonderful family.  They speak often about their own personal journey and love to encourage others.  She often dropped pamphlets or newsletters in my mailbox for me to have.  I was always sad when I saw them.  Don't get me wrong, I was grateful to have them, and to have someone who cared enough about me and knows my need and want to be a Mommy.  It would have been a piece of cake to get through all the paperwork involved with their guidance.  But for some reason we never pulled the trigger.  So we decided we would take this opportunity to see this doctor to have her tell us once and for all that we were done; that there was no way we could have a child at this stage in the game. To confirm what we already knew in our hearts.  We told ourselves once we heard this for certain from her, that we would be able to move forward with an open heart.  This was going to be the push we needed to move forward.  We were grateful for the opportunity to see her and get us out of the rut we'd been in.

 So we completed all the questionnaires and talked to her about our history and sat there waiting for her to tell us to throw in the towel.  To our surprise she said that adoption is a wonderful avenue for many people.  Is that what you really want?  Do you want to have a child of your own?  A child that you carry in your body and a pregnancy that you share together?  Of course we said yes, we do, but......

She said "no but's".  This is possible and I am going to help you.  She told us about Donor IVF and the rest is history.  It was a day that changed our life.    

a little Divine Intervention

My baby brother was getting married (to a wonderful girl by the way) and we had a bridal shower.  One of her friends came with her newborn.  I could not resist asking if I could hold the baby.  I had no clue who she was and she did not know me, but I didn't care - I just wanted to hold that baby!  So the day went on and I continued to hold the baby.  There is nothing better than new baby smell!  Even better than new car smell.  We started to chat and she asked me how many kids I had.  

I hated being asked that.  I hated explaining to people that I didn't have any.  I wanted my response to be so different.  I wanted to be able to relate to other women and talk about my pregnancy and my cravings and aches and pains.  I wanted to say how easy my labor was or how perfect my baby's head was when it came out ( some weird obsession of mine). How I had the perfect hips for child bearing.  I wanted to talk play dates and multi-tasking.  Nope.  I had to tell the sad truth........ 

I replied that I did not have any.  Well, I did not have any of my own.  I have a wonderful step-daughter, but no biological children.  She was surprised and responded that I have such a wonderful way with babies - a natural - she said.  I revealed that we had been trying for many many years with no luck but that I did indeed love babies and was hoping for one of my own someday.  We switched subjects and the day carried on.  

A few weeks passed and I received a message in my inbox.  It was from her.  She reached out to me to let me know that she too struggled with infertility and that she had a great doctor she wanted to refer me to if we were interested.  She offered prayer, encouragement and an understanding ear.  I thought it was so sweet.  And although I was grateful for the referral, we still did not have coverage and could not afford to see her.  

Several months passed and it was my birthday, October 2013.  My sister-in-law pulled me aside to tell me that my brother and her would like to help us pay to see this doctor.  I was so overwhelmed.  What a great birthday gift.  The gift that keeps on giving.............

...And so it begins

So, where do you begin? Bear with me, I'm a newbie and if there is anyone that can make a long story longer, it's a Metzen.  So I'll try and cut to the chase.  My husband and I were married in April 2008.  We were 38 years old.  I could not even begin to count how many times people would try to "advise" me that I was getting a little long in the tooth if I wanted to have babies.  "Well don't you want to have babies?"  I would hear.  Which would always irk the shit out of me - of course I wanted babies.  I've wanted babies since I was a baby.  I was born to have babies.  I played "Mommy" to my siblings and cousins and just about anyone who would let me really.  Believe you me, if I could have just snapped my fingers and presto had the perfect mate and perfect family, I would have done that a long time ago. Unfortunately, life does not work that way, and God had other plans for me.  But, at long last that blessing walked into my life with a beautiful daughter of his own.  I had my perfectly imperfect family. We had the best wedding and could not wait to start making babies!   

We've tried for 7 years.  All the while enduring all the disappointment and heartbreak that comes with infertility.  All the questions.  All the unsolicited advice.  7 years is a long time to be on that roller coaster of emotion - month after month.  The truth is we didn't even really know what was wrong exactly.  Infertility treatments were not a covered benefit under our insurance plan and we could not afford it. When I would talk to my ob they would say you are gonna need a specialist and you better do it quick!  Not one of them offered other solutions or did any tests to try and narrow down the problem.  It was very discouraging.  So, due to circumstances, we never sought treatment by an infertility specialist and just kept on trying the old fashioned way, hoping and praying God would see fit to bless our family with a baby when the time was right.   

I think the hardest part was watching everyone around me get pregnant, even those who did not want to be - or deserve to be - for that matter.   I worked really hard to be happy for those people and understanding that God's plans for them had nothing to do with what he had planned for me.  It was difficult.  Envy is ugly, and I did not want to be that girl.  So I just kept praying.  Praying for them, and praying for me.  

As disappointment beget disappointment, we ever so slowly began to let go of the dream of having a child together and started talking about options - Adoption.  What a wonderful thing adoption is.  I know many wonderful, loving families who have adopted.  I've seen glorious examples of how it all works out for the best!  It was the right choice for them.  Was it the right choice for me?  I was not sold.