Tuesday, December 30, 2014

...And so it begins

So, where do you begin? Bear with me, I'm a newbie and if there is anyone that can make a long story longer, it's a Metzen.  So I'll try and cut to the chase.  My husband and I were married in April 2008.  We were 38 years old.  I could not even begin to count how many times people would try to "advise" me that I was getting a little long in the tooth if I wanted to have babies.  "Well don't you want to have babies?"  I would hear.  Which would always irk the shit out of me - of course I wanted babies.  I've wanted babies since I was a baby.  I was born to have babies.  I played "Mommy" to my siblings and cousins and just about anyone who would let me really.  Believe you me, if I could have just snapped my fingers and presto had the perfect mate and perfect family, I would have done that a long time ago. Unfortunately, life does not work that way, and God had other plans for me.  But, at long last that blessing walked into my life with a beautiful daughter of his own.  I had my perfectly imperfect family. We had the best wedding and could not wait to start making babies!   

We've tried for 7 years.  All the while enduring all the disappointment and heartbreak that comes with infertility.  All the questions.  All the unsolicited advice.  7 years is a long time to be on that roller coaster of emotion - month after month.  The truth is we didn't even really know what was wrong exactly.  Infertility treatments were not a covered benefit under our insurance plan and we could not afford it. When I would talk to my ob they would say you are gonna need a specialist and you better do it quick!  Not one of them offered other solutions or did any tests to try and narrow down the problem.  It was very discouraging.  So, due to circumstances, we never sought treatment by an infertility specialist and just kept on trying the old fashioned way, hoping and praying God would see fit to bless our family with a baby when the time was right.   

I think the hardest part was watching everyone around me get pregnant, even those who did not want to be - or deserve to be - for that matter.   I worked really hard to be happy for those people and understanding that God's plans for them had nothing to do with what he had planned for me.  It was difficult.  Envy is ugly, and I did not want to be that girl.  So I just kept praying.  Praying for them, and praying for me.  

As disappointment beget disappointment, we ever so slowly began to let go of the dream of having a child together and started talking about options - Adoption.  What a wonderful thing adoption is.  I know many wonderful, loving families who have adopted.  I've seen glorious examples of how it all works out for the best!  It was the right choice for them.  Was it the right choice for me?  I was not sold.  

No comments:

Post a Comment