Wait a minute....TWINS? Holy *&%#

I went back to the doctor following the scare and all was good.  The blood clot had resolved itself and my hormone levels were good.  I've had weekly appointments since then.  It's all good in da hood.

Since that very first ultrasound where the doctor told us she saw two sacs she said there was a about a 30% chance that one would not continue to grow.  It's called "vanishing twin".  It's not a normal miscarriage, which causes bleeding and loss of tissue.  With a vanishing twin there are generally no signs.  The disappearing embryo is absorbed back into the mother's body.  Ewwww, that is so creepy!  It is generally caused, as with most fetal loss, by genetic abnormalities.  It is becoming more and more common due to women having ultrasounds earlier in their pregnancy, as in my case, and due to advanced ultrasound resolution.  Physicians are catching more and more of these instances.  This "vanishing embryo" tendency is one of the reasons many experienced doctors recommend implanting more than one embryo during IVF.  And the reason we decided to go with two.

Baby A was progressing much more rapidly than Baby B.  In the early stages it was more than four days behind Baby A in growth.  The doctor said that every pregnancy is different and progresses at different stages (and this is considered two pregnancies), but would also tell us not to go bragging to the world we were having twins because there was still high probability it would not stick.  Silly doctor.  Obviously she does not know me, of course I am going to tell people. :)  She said we could be sure after 10 weeks.

So all along I've had it in the back of my mind that this was going to be the case and we were ultimately going to have one baby.  Perhaps I was just trying to protect myself from more disappointment, or maybe it was the utter fear of having two babies at one time.  Either way, even though I went in weekly and Baby B was still hanging in there, it had not fully sunk in that I was having twins.

It was on my visit the day before Christmas break that it finally hit me.  Doctor saw and heard two very strong heartbeats.  Baby A - 161 bpm.  Baby B - 148 bpm.  Baby B was catching up, rapidly, and both babies were growing right on track.  I went to work as usual and at some point during the day it hit me.  Holy *&%#, I'm having twins.  How in the hell am I going to do that?  Now, don't get me wrong.  I absolutely see the blessings here, and I am exponentially grateful.  But I am human, after all, and the thought of having two babies at one time scared the crap out of me.  I mostly just worry about how it's all going to work.  So many questions running through my head, in no particular order. How do you breastfeed two babies at one time - that can't be pretty.  How am I going to get two babies ready and myself every day before work?  What is going to happen to my poor body?  What are we going to do if have to go on bed rest for a month or (gasp) more??  Are all four of us plus the dog gonna fit in our bed? (jk - Hubby would never allow it.  But then again that's what he said about the dog).   I'm guessing all this anxiety is fairly normal.  And deep down I know in my heart I can handle it, no matter what happens.

Thankfully, I'm not in this alone.  Hubby is extremely excited for this, and has been ever since the day we made the decision to implant two.  "We'll figure it out, we'll adjust, we'll make it work.  Don't worry," he tells me.  I believe him.  We will make it work.  And these two miracle babies will bring more joy to our family then we could have ever dreamed of.  

Keep growing little babies.  In a few weeks we can officially tell the world you are coming!!

    

The Dreaded Progesterone Shots

Taking hormones is all part of the IVF process.  Since I was the recipient of an egg  via donor, I was put on oral contraceptives and Lupron to essentially put my ovaries to sleep and temporarily stop the production of estrogen and progesterone.  The estrogen and progesterone secretion by the ovaries would interfere with the development of the lining of my uterus, which was essential for the transfer/implantation process.

On the flip side, now I am pregnant.  Due to the fact that they shut down my ovaries, my body cannot produce enough estrogen or progesterone to sustain the pregnancy.  So supplemental estrogen and progesterone must continue until the placenta produces enough of its own to sustain the pregnancy.  I'll have to continue taking these meds until probably the beginning of my second trimester.

I am wearing two estrogen patches daily, switching them out every other day.  I take 6 estrogen pills a day (3 in the am and 3 in the pm); and the absolute worst part of this whole deal:  the dreaded progesterone shots.

I had been administering the Lupron shots myself (into the belly) and they were not that bad.  The medication just needed to go below the skin.  The progesterone shots, however, have to be given IM, in the buttocks (as Forrest Gump would say), so hubby had to learn to give them to me.  We had an appointment where they gave him precise instruction and showed him the target areas for the injections.

Now, those of you that know me are aware I have more than adequate space back there, but it is a relatively small area when you are getting two shots a day - every day.  We had no idea how difficult these shots would become.  I think about all the women with little booties and wonder how they survived them. The progesterone is in oil form, so it is very thick when it gets too cold and needs to be warmed up. It can be hard to draw up and inject.  Hubby gives me a shot every morning before he leaves for work, and again in the evening. We switch sides each time. The shots are very painful when I get them and the pain can last for hours afterwards.  There is not one spot left on my backside that is not black and blue or full of knots due to the oil not properly absorbing into the muscle.  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to lay down.  It hurts to roll over in bed.  My skin burns and itches.  It just plain sucks.  

We've been doing this for about 7-8 weeks now. I think we have about 3-4 weeks left.  In a week or so they may decrease my dosage and take me down to one shot per day.  It all depends on my hormone levels, which they check weekly. 

I think this has been the worst part of this process.  Poor hubby has to be the one to give them to me.  I feel so bad for being a big baby, but sometimes with all the other hormonal issues going on I can't help but burst into tears.   I've felt like a child getting a vaccination.  Sometimes, no matter how brave you try to be, you can only take so much!  Hubby does an amazing job.  He is very gentle and calm, and no matter how I react, he finishes the job properly.  Guilt ridden, I'm sure.   I can't think of anyone else in this world I would rather go through this with than him.   

This is all part of the program.  The end result (no pun intended) will be well worth the pain.  

A Scare

We were scheduled for our first ultrasound on Monday, December 15, 2014.   I would be considered about 5 weeks at this point, and we were super excited.  All was going really well.  I was not having any major symptoms, other than extreme fatigue, extra trips to the potty and sore boobs.

On Friday, I was off early, at noon, so we decided to make the most of the afternoon and do our last bits of Christmas shopping.  I did pretty good, but by the time we got home I was so done.  I've never felt this kind of exhaustion before!  I needed my rest.  We were picking up my brother and nephew the next afternoon for a visit to Disneyland.  I could not go on any rides, but we just wanted to walk around and enjoy all the Christmas fun.  Which we did.  It was great.  Super crowded, but there is nothing better than Disneyland during Christmas time.  We left as soon as my body told me it was time.

Sunday was a restful day. We did our usual Sunday-Funday stuff and got ready for the week ahead.   Went to bed fairly early. I was having some cramping, but I was told this is normal.  I was so tired.

I woke up to use the bathroom about 1:30 a.m.  When I stood up I just felt wet, like I had pee'd myself.  We have a nightlight in the bathroom, so I don't usually turn on the light when I go, but I felt something was not right.  I was bleeding.  Bad.  My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach.  Panic-stricken, I said, "Oh No!"  Next thing I knew hubby was in the bathroom with me.  I looked up at him and he had this heartbreaking look on his face.  The look someone has when they are full of pity for you.  He calmly said, "Don't panic, it could be lots of things.  Maybe we just lost one."  He helped me to get cleaned up and we went back to the bedroom.  We were not sure what to do.  We kind of just laid there for five minutes or so.  Absolute quiet.  We decided to page the doctor before we went anywhere.  The answering service got her on the phone immediately.  She asked me some questions about the severity of the bleeding and how I was feeling.  I was having lots of cramping.  I compared it to a bad period.  She told us under no circumstances did she want us to go to the ER.  She felt they would be way too aggressive.  She told us to try and relax and to go back to bed.  We would see her first thing in the morning.  She assured me I had not gotten my period, and told me that there could be lots of reasons for the bleeding, and that she would more than likely put me on bed rest for a whole week.  She said, "I know this is very scary, but just try to relax and I'll see you in the morning."

That was the longest night ever.  All my worst fears were coming to fruition.  Hubby laid with his arm over me, trying to comfort both of us.  It was one of those horrible feelings you have when you have absolutely no control over a situation.  There was nothing I could do to stop whatever was happening. I was helpless.  I hardly slept.  I prayed the whole night.  At first I begged.  I pleaded. Please, God, don't let this be so.  Tears streaming down my cheeks.  My pillow was wet.  I didn't want to move.  Musing that we would have to tell everyone, again, that we lost the pregnancy flooded my every thought.  As I prayed I began to remember a very meaningful conversation I had with my brother, wherein he told me that God already had a plan for me that was way better than anything I could have imagined for myself.  I realized that begging and pleading would change nothing.  God already knew my heart's desire.  I just had to trust in Him that he would not take all of us through this for no reason.  I say all of us, because I was not just sad for myself.  I was sad for my dear husband who just wants to see me happy, and for us to have the privilege and joy of raising a child together.  For our daughter who spent her first 20 years as an only child, quietly longing for a sibling.  I was sad for my parents and siblings, even the nieces and nephews. For every single one of my family and friends who have been a integral part of this whole process, this entire journey with us from the very start.  

I then began to pray for God to fill me with his GRACE.  I prayed that no matter the outcome I would have the fortitude to continue to trust in His plan for me.  That I would not fall apart.  That I would find a way to grieve and move on.  Gracefully.  I finally fell asleep.

First thing Monday morning we went to the doctor's office.  We waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for her to come in.  For goodness sake, didn't she know we've been waiting all night to see her!  Hubby felt it was somewhat of a relief that she did not see urgency in the situation.  We could hear her in the hallway talking to other patients or nurses.  It was making me more and more anxious.  Finally, she came in and started the ultrasound.  "You're still pregnant!", she proclaimed joyfully.  "Not only are you still pregnant, but I see 2 sacs!"   Thank you God, I kept reciting in my head.  Hubby was relieved and overjoyed as she explained to us what she was seeing on the ultrasound screen.  He just stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.  We were all so caught up in the fact that there were two, we forgot to figure out what the bleeding was from.  She discovered a blood clot was the reason.  Probably formed after implantation.  I would have to be on bed rest for a whole week to see if it would dissolve on its own.  She warned that I would probably continue to have problems with bleeding throughout my first trimester, and that as each instance presented itself we would evaluate whether I would have to go back on bed rest or not.  I panicked a little about work, and it was a week before Christmas, but was so relieved that nothing else really mattered.  

Good is good.  Have faith.  Be grateful.

We left the doctor with our first pictures of our babies.

Baby A:

Baby B:  

We go back on Friday for follow up.

Paranoia and The Second Beta

We got our positive pregnancy test.  I went from being totally elated to extremely paranoid.  I was hating this about myself.  Why could I not live in the moment and just be happy?  I tried, but the fear overtook me.  Fear of losing the pregnancy.  It's happened before - it can surely happen again.  I don't think my brain could actually comprehend that I was pregnant.  It was not sinking in.  We've tried for so so long and become accustom to the disappointment.  I was so worried that after all we've been through this last year, everything it took and all the help we've received to get us to this point, that my body would not sustain the pregnancy.  Every little anything I felt made my heart beat a little faster and my mind go haywire.  "This can't be good" - I would hear in my head.  I was going to drive myself (and hubby) crazy!!  I'm suppose to remain stress free.  This was going to be hard.  I prayed.  I could not wait to go back to the doctor.  

I went back on December 9 for more blood work.  My hCG levels should double every 48 hours. hCG is "Human Chorionic Gondotropin" or the "pregnancy hormone".  It is produced by the placenta at implantation and the levels continue to rise until about 10-12 weeks of pregnancy, at which point they stabilize or drop.

The presence of normal hCG levels indicates you are pregnant.  When you take a home pregnancy test it is looking for traces of hCG in your urine.  When they do a blood test (or beta) they are looking for the level of hCG in your blood.  It's one of the early ways they determine if the pregnancy is progressing.  There is a wide range of "normal" levels:

Week from the Last Menstrual Period	Amount of HCG in mIU/ml
3	5 -50
4	3 - 426
5	19 - 7,340
6	1,080 - 56,500
7 - 8	7,650 - 229,000
9 - 12	25,700 - 288,000
13 - 16	13,300 - 254,000
17 - 24	4,060 - 165,400
25 - 40	3,640 - 117,000

In a positive pregnancy, the hCG levels usually double every 48-72 hours and increases by at least 60% every 2 days.  My first "beta" was 675.  My second beta was something around 1453, which was great news.  The pregnancy was  progressing.   My only job now (aside from my "real" job of course) is to stay stress free and take good care of myself.

We were scheduled for our first ultra sound on Monday!

The Pregnancy Test

Finally, it's test day!  It was Sunday, December 7, 2014.  We had an appointment at 9:45 a.m.  All they had to do was draw my blood and send it to the lab.  We should know in a few hours.  The anxiety was palpable.

We showed up for our appointment and waited for them to call us back.  We heard my name come from down the hallway.  Here we go.  As the nurse prepped me to draw blood the doctor passed by and asked how I was doing.  Regrettably, I was a little short with her, "anxious" is all I could muster.  She laughed.  We asked her how long before we would get a phone call.  She replied that she probably would not get the results back from the lab until after 4:00 p.m.

4:00 p.m.??????  What the what?  You mean we have to wait ALL DAY for the results?  It was Sunday.  On a normal weekday it would have been a few hours, but Sundays are the Lord's Day and the lab was going to take their sweet ass time!  She said we may not hear from her until after 6:00 p.m.  Our family has been a part of this process every step of the way - nothing was sacred-so we were hoping they would tell us exactly when they were going to call so we could have everyone together when the doctor called with the results.  If it was positive it would have been great fun for all of us.  If it was negative, we would have moral support. Unfortunately, that idea just flew out the window.  It just was not going to work.  Ugh.

We are Christmas people.  We love everything Christmas - decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, Christmas lights, music.  We decided to hit up the mall to fill up our day with some lunch and shopping.  The perfect way to keep our minds occupied.  We only managed a couple hours before heading home.  I went for a pedicure to try and relax a little.  I made sure to be home before 4 p.m.  I did not want to miss that call.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity.  All the while fielding calls and texts from anxious family and friends wanting to know.

A little after 6 p.m. the phone rang.  Our eyes grew three sizes as we looked at each other.  We both sat straight up and prepared ourselves to answer the phone. The first words we heard after we said hello were, "Congratulations!"  I am 45 years old.  No sweeter words have ever passed through my ears.  We both started crying and I told the doctor I was sorry because I had been cussing her all day!  Our first beta was 675.  Oh my gawd.  It worked!  We are pregnant.  After we hung up with the doctor we just sat there, hugging and crying - in disbelief.  It actually worked.  We are going to be parents.  Who do we call first?  So, of course, we called Reese to let her know she was going to be a big sister - at 20.  That was a hard call for me.  I wish she was not so far away at school - she should have been home with us on such a great day.  We missed her more than ever that night.  Next was the parents and the siblings.  Everyone was waiting with bated breath.  My Mom could not wait to hang up with us and starting calling everyone.  The phone calls and texts went on all through the night.  Everyone we knew was elated.  We felt very special and very grateful.  God is good.  It was our Christmas miracle.  This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

I had to return to the doctor in 2 days for another test.  The HcG levels should double every 48 hours.

I slept like a rock that night.    

Bed Rest and the 2-Week Wait

It was Thanksgiving week, the Tuesday before to be exact.  The doctor sent me home from the transfer to strict bed rest.  Completely flat on my back for 24 hours, except to eat and potty. I could then sit up but had to be in bed or on the couch for 3 days, only getting up to use the bathroom; and then house arrest for 2 days.  Life had been so hectic for the months leading up to this that I honestly could not wait to just get to lay around for a week. It sounded like pure heaven. I was going to make the most of it and enjoy this. Thanksgiving Day would be difficult, because I love to cook the turkey and all the fixings.  Not to mention that our usual full house of family and friends had dwindled down to just hubby and me, but it was going to be worth it.  Thanksgiving will come around again next year - and we'll hopefully have even more to be grateful for!

After the first 24 hours I was done.  Bed rest is a bitch.  I have no clue how those women do it that are put on bed rest for months at a time.  If I had been sick or on drugs it would not have been so bad, but I was perfectly fine.  Awake, alert and bored out of my mind.  It had only been one day and I was already starting to go stir crazy.  I started to go to the bathroom more often and take the long way back to the couch - making a pit stop in the kitchen to check out what was in the fridge - until I heard hubby yelling at me to lay down.  I did get to spend some quality time with family and friends that came to hang out with me while hubby was at work, so that was a nice perk.  We had no shortage of people reaching out to help us in any way they could.

Thanksgiving Day rolled around and hubby had ordered a turkey and all the fixings from Marie Calendars.  I was sad that we did not get to have the house full of all the smells of the day - the sauteing of onions, celery, parsley and sausage.  The smell that just tells you it's Thanksgiving.  So he picked up our order and came home and made the stuffing himself!  It was delicious and I was grateful.  Our daughter came home that afternoon and brightened up the mood with her presence. On Friday we put on Christmas music and I laid around and watched hubby start the Christmas decorating.  Saturday and a shower could not get here soon enough!  

We made it through the week:  me "suffering" through bed rest and hubby "suffering" through my complaining.  I was ready to get back to work and occupy my mind with anything other than the pregnancy test.  We had one more week to wait.  We were advised not to take a home pregnancy test. The results were rarely accurate and would only cause us more anxiety.  I had read a lot about this on other blogs, so I heeded the advice and stayed away from them.  Sunday was the day we were to have our first beta test.  It was going to be another long week.

My emotions were all over the place.  I was trying so hard to stay busy and not think about it - but it was impossible.  It was all I thought about.  I prayed.  A lot.  Hubby was a saint!  Truly.  Although he was just as anxious as I was, he managed to hide it well and was a constant comfort to me.  I had a lot of tears that week - anxiety got the best of me.  We were at Chili's eating lunch on the Saturday before.  Hubby received a phone call.  Apparently the person on the other end of the phone had asked about me and he responded that I was doing fine and that we were just waiting for the test to find out. That was all it took, I was in tears.  I don't even know what I was crying about - and I could not stop.  He just chuckled and said, "Baby, you're pregnant."

We'll see......

Transfer Day

November 25, 2014.  Day 5.  Transfer Day.  I don't think we slept much the night before.  We had been through so much in this past year.  The day was finally here.  I wanted to take a nice long shower and really do my hair nice - I would not get to shower for five days.  I wanted to look nice when I got knocked up!   Much to my chagrin, I was given strict instructions not to wear perfume or any perfumed lotion to the transfer. Anyone who knows me knows how disappointing this was for me to hear.  I love perfume.  I may not always look good, but I always smell good!  Embryos don't like smell they told me.  Okay, no problem, whatever the embryos say!  We did some last minute straightening up and we and left in plenty of time for our hour plus commute to the surgery center. My appointment was scheduled for 9:30 a.m.  We did not want to be late.

We were ten minutes away when we got the call that the doctor was running late and they had to bump us back to 11:00.  Ugh. We decided to stay calm and roll with the punches. We made a pit stop at the mall to grab a bite to eat and check out the Christmas decorations.  For the record, Ruby's really does have the best corned beef hash around!!!

We arrived to the surgery center on time and they called us back right away.  The embryologist came in and showed us our embryos.  She said they had fertilized all 49 eggs and that as of today we had 33 Grade A - text book - embryos.  So they picked the two best embryos to transfer.  We were the talk of the town that day in that lab.  This was not the norm.  Hubby was feeling so proud.  After all, how many men can say they fertilized 49 eggs in one day!

Babies' first photo:

Could you love an embryo(s) more?  I think not.

Several months back we made the decision, with the doctor, to transfer two embryos, as it increased our chance of success the first time around.  The doctor and the embryologist came in to confirm that we still wanted to transfer two embryos.  They wanted us to understand that because the quality of the embryos was so great, there was a very good chance we would end up with twins.  We agreed to continue with two and they began to prep for the transfer.  It's really amazing how fast it all goes. The transfer of the embryos is made through a catheter inserted through your cervix, directly into your uterus.  Once the doctor had the catheter in place, the embryologist came into the room with the embryos in a syringe.  They are encased between air bubbles.  The doctor got the catheter into just the right spot so we could see on the screen and said, "are you ready?"  Then, in a flash, literally, they were in there.  One floated to the top and the other stayed exactly where she wanted it.  They had me lay there for about a half hour and then sent me home to strict bed rest.  I had to lay flat on my back on the ride home with my feet up on the dashboard.

We received texts and phone calls all day from supportive family and friends - all of whom have been just as excited as we are on this journey.  It was a good, exciting day.

Now we wait........

Retrieval Day

November 20, 2014.  Retrieval Day.  This was a big day.  This will be the date of conception.  The donor is scheduled for an outpatient procedure done under anesthesia.  Once they "harvest" the eggs from her they take them to the lab to be fertilized with hubby's sperm.  Even as I type this it seems so crazy!  Now, we've had reports from the doctor that the donor was doing great on her meds and that they were able to see a large amount of follicles.  But we won't know until the day of the retrieval how many eggs the follicles actually produced.

A while back when we received the packet of info on the donor from the agency, there was a letter in there stating that some intended parents have given a card or a small token to the donor on the day of her retrieval.  When I saw this letter I started to cry.  Really, we can do that?  I thought it was so special to get to communicate with her on an intimate level without ever even knowing her name.  I started looking for just the right thing the very next day.

I mentioned to a couple friends about this and was cautioned by both in different ways not to get too personal with it, or that perhaps the donor does not want it to be so personal.  They both told me to just give it a lot of thought. After all, it is a business contract and the donor is being compensated for her time and trouble.  Although I wholeheartedly appreciate my friends helping to keep me and my emotions in check, I knew it was something that I wanted to do.  I already felt a very special bond with this young woman.  I truly felt God brought her into my life to fulfill a life long desire to be a mother.  So I bought her a little charm bracelet that had the words HOPE and JOY inscribed.  I would just hold on to it and see how we feel as the date gets closer.

So we received our call from the doctor on Tuesday, November 18, 2014.  When I answered the call on my way home from work she told me to hold on, she wanted to put me on speaker phone.  She was there in her office with the girls (her staff) and they were talking about me and the donor and how perfectly matched we were.  They said it was a trip because we are so much alike physically and personality-wise, and that they have never seen a more perfect "anonymous" match.  They all had different stories of what they had each noticed about the two of us.  They informed me that they were going to "trigger" the donor [which means they give her a dose of ovulating stimulating meds] and would be doing the retrieval on the morning of November 20.  They asked us to come in the next morning so the nurse could show Hubby how to administer the dreaded progesterone shots and give him all the information he needed to go on retrieval day and give his "sample".  Since we know what the donor looks like, he joked about what he should do if he ran into her in the hallway!  I was so excited.  I went home that night and got out the gift and the card I had bought months back.  What am I going to say in it?  How do you even begin to put into words the extreme gratitude one feels. Hubby said, "just start to write, it will all come to you."  So, with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I wrote this:

Dear Donor, there really are no words to describe how very grateful we are for the HOPE and JOY you have helped bring to our family.  We've heard nothing but how kind and considerate you are from Dr. X and her staff.  We will forever remember your kindness and sacrifice.  We wish you true happiness in this life, the kind you have brought to me and my family.  May God bless you always.  Signed, a loving family.

So the next morning we arrived to the doctor's office and sat in an empty waiting room, which was a rarity.  The receptionist called me over and handed me a card.  She said, quizzically, "it's from your donor." Apparently they had never had a donor leave a card for the intended parents before.  It was usually the other way around. In it she wrote:

Dear Intended Parents, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this journey with you both.  It has truly been an honor being your donor.  I have been told by many people, and especially Dr. X, what incredibly kind people you are - and that makes me feel even more honored to have been chosen by you. While we have never met, I feel we will always have a special bond.  I wish you and your family all the best and happiness in this world.  Happy Holidays, truly yours, Donor XXX.  

I was a hot mess!!  If I had any semblance of doubt left about the decision we had made, that just blew it all away.  It was a true true sign from God above that this is exactly how it was all meant to be.  We were both overwhelmed and so grateful.  

Hubby learned how to administer the progesterone shots - which are the WORST thing ever - and we went home anxious for the next day.

I thought about her all morning.  I wondered if she was alone or if someone was going to be there to take good care of her after her procedure.  I prayed for God to keep her safe and free from complications.  

We got the call late that night that they had retrieved and fertilized 49 eggs.

Five more days to the transfer!

The Protocol

Ah, the long awaited Protocol.  I felt like time slowed down so much once we actually found the "One".  This whole process is extremely intricate and it just seemed like it was taking forever!  Once all the legal work was done and the donor finished with all her screenings, etc., we just had to wait for the protocol.  I was so anxious.  Every day that went by that I didn't have it drove me up a wall.  I just wanted to get started.  The doctor had both the donor and I on birth control pills in order to begin to regulate and sync our cycles.  We would both go in for ultrasounds weekly.  For the donor she would check her ovaries, for me she would check the lining of my uterus and checking on the cysts on my ovaries making sure they were not going to cause any problems.

We finally got it!  Start Date: October 21, 2014.  

Protocol 

Oct 21:   Start Lupron injections at 20 mark once daily
               Continue with birth control pills daily
Oct 27:   Ultrasound
               Take last birth control pill
               You will start your period
Nov 3:    Ultrasound
               Start Estrace (estrogen) 3 pills twice a day
               Start  Minivelle patches.  Wear 2 at all times and change every other day
               Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice a day for 1 week only (Both my and hubby)
               Start Dexamethasone 1 pill daily at bedtime
               Start baby aspirin 1 pill daily
               Decrease Lupron to the 10 mark
Nov 11:  Ultrasound
Nov 12:  Increase Estrace to 3 pills THREE times per day
               Stop Lurpon
               Continue all other medications
Nov 19:  Start Progesterone injections 1 cc IM twice daily
               Decrease Estrace to 3 pills twice daily
               Continue all other medications
Nov 20:  Egg Retrieval
Nov 23:  Last Dexamethasone pill
Nov 24:  Start Medrol 2 pills twice daily for 4 days only
               Start Doxycycline 1 pill twice daily for 4 days only
Nov 25:  Embryo transfer

Strict bed rest the day of the transfer and 3 additional days.  Two days of house arrest.
Rules:  No intercourse, exercise, sushi, hair color, baths, alcohol, tonic water.

Nov 27:  Last Medrol and Doxycycline
Dec 5:    Pregnancy Test!

Holy Cow!  That's a lot.  God please don't let me screw this up!  I made myself a schedule of what I needed to take each day and when.  I put it on the fridge and crossed them off as I took them.  I also got myself a couple Sunday-Saturday pill boxes (one for the morning and one for the evening) and put all my pills in there.  I could take them all at one time and it made it so much easier.  Luckily I was only on the Lupron for 2 weeks this time around and didn't experience as much of the side effects - or maybe I was just so excited I didn't notice them as much.  I did begin to get forgetful.  Thankfully hubby was always there to ask me if I took my meds and remind me.

We were on our way.  In six weeks we would know if we were pregnant and could not have been more excited!

The ONE

Hawaii was amazing.  It was just the break we needed.  Now it's time to pull up those websites and start searching again.  It didn't take long.

The ONE popped up in my very first search.  Wait, I remember this girl.  She was rejected, but why? There had been so many over all these months I could not remember anymore.  But I did remember her.  She was my very first pick, straight out of the gate, but had been rejected by the doctor because she had never donated before.  Our doctor only used proven donors.  She was tall, beautiful, had a wonderful smile and perfect medical history.  I'm sending her back to the doctor for a second look.

We got the call about her the next day.  Doctor said she was a perfect match.  Since the first time we picked her she had gone through a cycle which resulted in a positive pregnancy.  All her numbers were great, her medical history was great.  She was perfect.  We called the agency and placed a
"hold" on her right away.  She has the ability to decline, but luckily for us she didn't and we were off!
It took about a month to get through all the legal stuff, the contracts and agreements.  We are legally bound to maintain complete confidentiality.  We were not even allowed to sign the agreements with our own names.  They were signed "intended Mother" and "intended Father".  She signed hers as "Donor XXX".  It seemed so weird and impersonal.  I get it, completely, but it was still so weird.  We met with the attorney a few times to read over the contract and make sure we understood every part of it.  I still remember the night we were to sign the papers.  I was going to Fedex them to the attorney the next morning.  I got home from work and we commenced with our usual routine of making dinner and cleaning up.  We probably watched a little Family Feud and whichever of our favorite programs that was on that night (we have many).  I left the paperwork out for hubby to sign while I took a shower.  After my shower I came to bed and he was sitting there with the paperwork in his lap, waiting for me.  I said, "why didn't you sign them?"  He said, "I was waiting for you, this is really important.  We should do this together."  He was right.  We signed the papers together and fell asleep holding hands.

During this period of time we received a packet from the agency.  In it were photographs of the donor and all the paperwork she had completed when she started with the agency. Many of the photographs we had seen already, but there were some new ones.  We got to see photographs of her when she was a baby, a little girl, with her family, as a teenager - all phases of her life.  I could tell a lot about her from her photographs.  She looked happy and kind.  The questionnaire and paperwork she had completed I had never seen before.  It was written in her own, very neat and beautiful handwriting - the first of many similarities between the two of us I found.  As I read it tears flowed down my cheeks. She was so much like me. I had no idea. She liked to clean and was very organized.  She was in the same profession as me.  She was very close to her family.  She wanted to be a Mommy herself and loved children her whole life.  She made the very personal decision to become a donor due to a woman in her life that she loved very much and watched suffer through infertility.  She was caring, kind, fun, smart and beautiful.  She was the ONE.  She held a very special place in my heart.  I was so happy, and for the first time in a long time I was excited again about this journey and couldn't wait to get started.  

Set Backs and Mock Cycles

Every journey has its set backs, and this journey we are on has proven no different.  Not only were we struggling to find our perfect donor, but as it turned out, my ultrasounds were showing things the doctor could not identify.  She thought I may have what they call a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus.  Which is a septum of fibrous tissue that grows down the middle of your uterus and would make it difficult to sustain a pregnancy.  However she would not be able to accurately determine this without exploratory surgery.  

On March 20, 2014 I had a laparosocpy and hysteroscopy.  I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)  http://www.webmd.com/women/pcos-directory and Stage 4 Endometriosis http://www.webmd.com/women/endometriosis/endometriosis-topic-overview.  The surgery went well and the doctor was able to remove most of the endometriosis and cysts and was confident we would be able to continue to get pregnant.  She was always positive and encouraging.  She said I've probably suffered from this for many many years.  It was very frustrating to me.  Any of my previous doctors could have figured this out if they had only asked the right questions or offered the proper tests.  I guess it just took finding a doctor who cared enough.  I loved that bossy little lady.
  
We were hoping to have our donor selected and approved and start all the legal work prior to our trip to Hawaii in July; this way we could get started with our cycle soon after we returned. However our search for a donor continued to be disappointing.  

Meanwhile, in late April/early May I started my mock cycle, which is an artificial cycle of hormonal stimulation with no transfer at the end.  It's purpose is to see how the body reacts to the medications and allows the doctors to make any adjustments necessary prior to the real thing.  The main drug taken in this instance is Lupron. It is administered via injection into the belly. Let me tell you, this stuff is no joke. Lupron is used to suppress ovulation.  So basically it puts you into false state of menopause.  The side effects are awful.  I experienced extreme hot flashes at all times during the day and night, moodiness, irritability, headaches. It made it nearly impossible for any kind of intimacy, which made me feel guilty and irritable all over again. It was a struggle to go to work everyday and be pleasant.  We passed up many invitations for parties and dinners and other social events due to the fact that I never knew how I was going to feel and I didn't want people to think I was a big ole beatch!   It was easier to just hide under my covers.  However, it was all part of the process and we were told to expect all of the above. Luckily for me, hubby was extremely supportive and sensitive to my every need and mood.  ...We want this so bad we'll do whatever it takes!   

As I maneuvered through the ups and downs of my emotions, we continued to search the sites for the perfect match.  I was so hung up on finding someone who looked like me.  There was no one.  It was beginning to sink in that I was going have a baby that looked nothing like me.  I began to really grieve the fact that I was not going to have a genetic link to my own child.  I mean I would carry the child in my womb, and all my own DNA would flow through my body and the baby as the pregnancy progressed.  I understood that.  But would it have my smile?  Would it have my eyes or nose?  Would it be nurturing like me, or have my sense of humor?  Probably not. Was it enough that it will look like hubby and have his characteristics.  After all, he has proven to make a beautiful baby.  We had so much to look forward to and hubby was so excited.  Yet, I was still so sad.  I began to have big doubts if we were doing the right thing.  I laid awake at night with tears streaming down my face, hoping hubby would not notice.  I felt so guilty that I was taking the joy out of this process for him.     
At one of my routine ultrasound appointments we met with a nurse practitioner we had not seen before.  She asked us how we were doing in the selection process and I just broke down in tears.  She was so sweet and calm.  The best advise she gave me that day was "you are not replacing yourself.  Quit worrying about finding someone that looks just like you.  You don't even know what your own genes are going to produce.  There is no guarantee, even with your own egg, that your child will look anything like you.  Stop trying to replace yourself and start looking for someone who meets your very basic requirements."  

I felt so relieved after that visit.  We still had not found anyone yet, but I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  

My mock cycle had ended and we decided to just take a break. And boy did we need one!  We were getting ready for our big trip to Hawaii for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary, which we've been planning for a year and a half, and planned to start up looking again when we returned.   

p.s.  Kauai was amazing.  There were 24 of us total, family and friends.  It was the trip of a lifetime.  It was just the break we needed to regroup, refocus and count our blessings (all 24 of them)!  

Can I borrow some eggs please?

Donor Eggs.  I'd never heard of it.  I'd heard of donor sperm, but I had no problem getting that. :)  Once the doctor told us about the IVF process using Donor Eggs we went home super excited and told our family all about it.  We were ecstatic about the possibility of getting pregnant and that the dream was not dead.  It's really hard for me to keep things to myself. When I'm happy - I want to share.  When I'm upset - I want to share.  So, note to yourself, if you have a big secret you don't want anyone to know - don't tell me!!!  

Donor Egg IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) is IVF using another woman's eggs.  So basically the donor takes the ovulation stimulating drugs and I take the drugs that prepare my body for implantation of an embryo. I get to carry the baby and experience all the joys (or not) of pregnancy and deliver my own baby.  Sounds so simple!  Of course I had to have my physical and blood work and all that fun stuff to determine what was going on under the hood - but all I wanted to do was check out all the donor websites and find my doppelganger.  This was going to be fun!  Like online dating, but with girls and without the awkwardness.   So I immediately started signing up for the websites and checking out the donors.  I was amazed at how many there were.  You can select filters; for example:  race, height, hair color, eye color, nationality, religion, etc.  I thought I would have no problems finding an incredibly intelligent, six-foot redhead with green eyes and a charming personality.  I was wrong.   I scoured the websites every free chance I got.  I found some really great prospects, all of whom were rejected by my doctor for one reason or another: never donated before, carried the gene for cystic fibrosis, history of mental illness in family, herpes (yes, herpes), etc. There was a long list of no-no's and it seemed as if every girl I picked was on it!  Every time I found a girl who was somewhat close to me physically, there was something wrong and she didn't work out. Not to mention the fact that hubby and I had to agree on the girl.  We went back and forth trying to narrow down the characteristics that were most important to us, which proved to be a difficult task.  To be honest, I didn't care about her medical history or family history or GPA or any of that.  All I wanted was someone who looked like me.  It got to the point that I could not even remember which girls I had looked at and which ones didn't work and why. 

This isn't as easy as we thought.  I was overwhelmed and discouraged.