On Friday, I was off early, at noon, so we decided to make the most of the afternoon and do our last bits of Christmas shopping. I did pretty good, but by the time we got home I was so done. I've never felt this kind of exhaustion before! I needed my rest. We were picking up my brother and nephew the next afternoon for a visit to Disneyland. I could not go on any rides, but we just wanted to walk around and enjoy all the Christmas fun. Which we did. It was great. Super crowded, but there is nothing better than Disneyland during Christmas time. We left as soon as my body told me it was time.
Sunday was a restful day. We did our usual Sunday-Funday stuff and got ready for the week ahead. Went to bed fairly early. I was having some cramping, but I was told this is normal. I was so tired.
I woke up to use the bathroom about 1:30 a.m. When I stood up I just felt wet, like I had pee'd myself. We have a nightlight in the bathroom, so I don't usually turn on the light when I go, but I felt something was not right. I was bleeding. Bad. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. Panic-stricken, I said, "Oh No!" Next thing I knew hubby was in the bathroom with me. I looked up at him and he had this heartbreaking look on his face. The look someone has when they are full of pity for you. He calmly said, "Don't panic, it could be lots of things. Maybe we just lost one." He helped me to get cleaned up and we went back to the bedroom. We were not sure what to do. We kind of just laid there for five minutes or so. Absolute quiet. We decided to page the doctor before we went anywhere. The answering service got her on the phone immediately. She asked me some questions about the severity of the bleeding and how I was feeling. I was having lots of cramping. I compared it to a bad period. She told us under no circumstances did she want us to go to the ER. She felt they would be way too aggressive. She told us to try and relax and to go back to bed. We would see her first thing in the morning. She assured me I had not gotten my period, and told me that there could be lots of reasons for the bleeding, and that she would more than likely put me on bed rest for a whole week. She said, "I know this is very scary, but just try to relax and I'll see you in the morning."
That was the longest night ever. All my worst fears were coming to fruition. Hubby laid with his arm over me, trying to comfort both of us. It was one of those horrible feelings you have when you have absolutely no control over a situation. There was nothing I could do to stop whatever was happening. I was helpless. I hardly slept. I prayed the whole night. At first I begged. I pleaded. Please, God, don't let this be so. Tears streaming down my cheeks. My pillow was wet. I didn't want to move. Musing that we would have to tell everyone, again, that we lost the pregnancy flooded my every thought. As I prayed I began to remember a very meaningful conversation I had with my brother, wherein he told me that God already had a plan for me that was way better than anything I could have imagined for myself. I realized that begging and pleading would change nothing. God already knew my heart's desire. I just had to trust in Him that he would not take all of us through this for no reason. I say all of us, because I was not just sad for myself. I was sad for my dear husband who just wants to see me happy, and for us to have the privilege and joy of raising a child together. For our daughter who spent her first 20 years as an only child, quietly longing for a sibling. I was sad for my parents and siblings, even the nieces and nephews. For every single one of my family and friends who have been a integral part of this whole process, this entire journey with us from the very start.
I then began to pray for God to fill me with his GRACE. I prayed that no matter the outcome I would have the fortitude to continue to trust in His plan for me. That I would not fall apart. That I would find a way to grieve and move on. Gracefully. I finally fell asleep.
First thing Monday morning we went to the doctor's office. We waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for her to come in. For goodness sake, didn't she know we've been waiting all night to see her! Hubby felt it was somewhat of a relief that she did not see urgency in the situation. We could hear her in the hallway talking to other patients or nurses. It was making me more and more anxious. Finally, she came in and started the ultrasound. "You're still pregnant!", she proclaimed joyfully. "Not only are you still pregnant, but I see 2 sacs!" Thank you God, I kept reciting in my head. Hubby was relieved and overjoyed as she explained to us what she was seeing on the ultrasound screen. He just stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. We were all so caught up in the fact that there were two, we forgot to figure out what the bleeding was from. She discovered a blood clot was the reason. Probably formed after implantation. I would have to be on bed rest for a whole week to see if it would dissolve on its own. She warned that I would probably continue to have problems with bleeding throughout my first trimester, and that as each instance presented itself we would evaluate whether I would have to go back on bed rest or not. I panicked a little about work, and it was a week before Christmas, but was so relieved that nothing else really mattered.
Good is good. Have faith. Be grateful.
We left the doctor with our first pictures of our babies.
We go back on Friday for follow up.